


Home for Christmas (Tom Felton Christmas story)

by tomsdarlinglady



Category: Feltbeats, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Tom Felton - Fandom
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Christmas Smut, Christmas Special, F/M, First Love, Idiots in Love, Reunions, Slow Burn, Small Towns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:21:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 41,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28269039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomsdarlinglady/pseuds/tomsdarlinglady
Summary: When you are a careerist, adventurist twenty-something freshly out of college, you want nothing but to stay in the city, instead of going back to your small hometown. You choose to leave the place, the memories, friends and love behind to have a fresh start. But there comes a point when you just can't lie to your family, not alone yourself anymore, and you finally go home for the Christmas holidays. But what happens when love is stuck in the same town and you have to face everything for the first time ever since you ran away? Will they understand your decision? Will you finally learn the value of real feelings? Can Christmas bring forgiveness? Everything comes together, when you are home fore Christmas.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Reader, Tom Felton/Reader
Comments: 10
Kudos: 25





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Chapters named "She" are written in the reader's point of view, and the chapters named "He" are the ones which are written in Tom Felton's point of view. Enjoy.

“Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll be there in time” I said to my mother on the other end of the phone while I was trying to finish the last report of the year. The last couple of weeks were hectic for the agency, everyone was going crazy over the endless paperwork and meetings that were obligatory for the division heads. I came to the office when it was still dark outside, and left when it was already dark. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw the sunlight, or anything apart from the piles of files on my desk or my computer. To say I wasn’t quite in the famous holiday spirit would have been az understatement. I didn’t have time to decorate my apartment, or to chill by the electric fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate and an awful Christmas movie. Instead of spending any minute on buying the presents for my family, I just ordered them and asked the nice lady from the gift shop not far from my apartment to wrap them nicely and include a lovely card as well.

“Are you sure?” Her voice was worried, but I couldn’t blame her. This was going to be the first time I went home for the holidays after so many years. I always had an excuse to not to go, or have them come to see me. I left that small town years ago, and I didn’t plan to go back there. But this year was different. I knew I had to go and be there with them. No matter how much I loved the big city living, or how committed I was to my job, family always came first.

“Yes, stop worrying so much” I laughed and finally saved the last report and submitted it to the CEO “April texted me the details about Shelby’s Christmas show. I’ll be there to cheer for her”

“Alright, love” she sighed and said goodbye. I was a terrible daughter, sister, aunt and sister-in-law. I missed most of the family events, only called them and sent gifts. I should have been there and celebrate with them.

I put away everything from my desk and locked the important things in my little safe under the desk. I was cleaning the surface when my superior approached my office with a box in her hand.

“Leaving already?” She smiled at me “I was hoping to catch you before you left.”

“Yeah, I still have to pack a few things at home and the drive home is quite long. I want to depart as soon as I can” I grabbed my coat and bag on my way out “I thought you had left already. Haven’t seen you since lunch. If I knew you were still here, I wouldn’t leave your Christmas present on your desk”

“No worries, I just got back like an hour ago from a meeting” she shrugged and walked to the elevator with me “Thank you so much for the gift. I love it!” Her eyes sparkled like a kid’s “Merry Christmas, Y/N” she handed me the box and hugged me tightly “Rest as much as you can. You truly deserve it after a year like this” she laughed and rushed back to her office for another business call. I threw the present into my bag and waited for the elevator to arrive. I wanted to be out of this building so badly. I had to be far away and clear my head finally. I loved working here, but sometimes it was overwhelming and killing. The endless meetings, business calls, research, market analysing and paperwork could be a nightmare. But I was over with it, and a very long and well deserved break was waiting for me.

***

I looked around my apartment one last time before I grabbed my suitcase and bags. The last time I left my home for a longer time was two year ago, when I left to travel around Europe with my best friend for a research for her book about different cultures. I was proud of her, the book was a huge success and she was currently traveling around South America for another book. She was a lucky one, for having a job that was her hobby and passion as well. And she could a living out of it. She really went for it. Instead of choosing the easy path, she flipped off all the risks and nailed that life. I always envied her, but I was more than happy for her. People assume that having a passion, a dream, and even a talent is something to be envied. They believe it’s something that makes life easier, when in actuality, it has the tendency to make like more difficult. Chasing a passion of one’s heart is like pursuing the admiration of an unrequited loved. It requires a vulnerability that’s painful. It’s a road that’s so littered with challenges of character, offering easy exits after each of its frequent discouragements. It’s so mysterious and mystical, always slightly out of reach, causing bursts of excitement with any response while never falling to retreat from the impending danger of rejection. The fear of such places their pursuer in a constant state of worry, while the pursuit itself remains futile without complete devotion and transparency of the pursuer’s passion.

The incoming call on my car’s Bluetooth speaker pulled me out of my thoughts. I looked at the display to see my sister calling. I glanced at the time and cursed myself. I was half an hour away from my home town, but my nieces’ Christmas show was about to start in ten minutes. Shit. I wasn’t going to hear the end of it.

“Where the hell are you?” She whispered yelled “You promised me you were going to be here in time. Shelby and Holly’s show starts in a minute, and they have been asking where on Earth their favourite aunt is?”

“I’m like twenty minutes away” I said with guilt in my voice “Save a seat for me?”

“Hurry or I swear to God I’ll kill you” she said firmly and ended the call. Fuck. I knew better than to mess with my sister, so I stepped on the gas pedal.

The twins were in their first grade and loved to tell me everything about school and their dance classes. They were always so happy when I called them, or sent them little presents out of nowhere. But I knew it wasn’t a same. I wanted to made up the lost time with gifts. I did the same exact same thing what I was so against for. I tried to buy their happiness, instead of spending quality time with them, like a normal aunt.

I got out of my car fast and ran into to local primary school’s auditorium and tried to find my sister. I spotted her face in one of the first rows, nodding her head to go and join them. She saved a seat for me, right in the edge.

“You made it” she kissed my cheek and turned back to the first graders show. I watched the tiny humans dancing in their cute little costumes, singing around the spirit of Christmas and Santa Claus, and tell poems about the importance of love and family. It was really moving, but I was sure they didn’t really understand most of the poems.

We were waiting outside of the auditorium for my sister and the twins to join us. Mom wrapped me in a bone crushing hug when she saw me after the show, and my brother had to pull her away before she suffocated me with her love. It was good to see them again, and see that they almost didn’t age at all. It was a bit strange to see them in person and not on my phone or computer. I was playing with my one year old nephew, when the two little energy bunnies ran up to me and hugged me from both sides.

“Auntie Y/N” they screamed at me and hugged me tighter. I handed back the baby to my brother and kneeled down to kiss my nieces on their puffy little cheeks. They were six, but they were still my baby nieces who kept their parents up all night long, and made a mess in the living room every time they were over. I still remembered the day I first saw them in the hospital, like it was yesterday. They came three weeks earlier, and they were so tiny, yet beautiful. It was love at first sight for me. On that day, I promised myself, I’ll be their shield, and protect them with my own life if needed.

“Hi my little superstars” I smiled at them and pulled the girls in a big hug “You guys were so incredible. All those other kids looked like greenhorns.”

“Are you staying for a long time?” Holly asked me while she played with my hair. Shelby looked at me with eyes filled with hope. I tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled both of them.

“Well, I’ll be here for the New Year too” truth is, I didn’t know how long I was going to be there. I had my fears from coming here for Christmas, and I didn’t know what was really waiting for me in my home town. I left so many people behind, friends and loved ones without ever reaching out to speak to them in the last few years. I felt like an outlander here, and I just wanted to hide from everyone. But I ran once already. I knew myself better than that, and if something triggering were about to happen, I might run again too. I looked up at my family, and I could tell by their faces they were thinking about the same thing as me.

***

I stopped my car in front of the huge house which used to be my childhood home. I grew up in that house. Sometimes, I found it way to big, with a lot of empty rooms, but sometimes it was too small, and I felt like I couldn’t have my privacy. Yet, so many good memories tied me to it. The house was decorated with lights and garlands, and a huge Christmas tree was already up and decorated in the middle of the forecourt.

“Did you guys hire a new decor team?” I asked them when I entered the hallway and hung my coat on the rack “I love this modern and sophisticated design. Simple but effective. And the white and silver combo gives the whole thing a winter wonderland kind of vibe. Very christmassy”

“Yeah, Albert and Renée wanted to focus on their baby project this year, so they recommended me their dear friends” Mom said from the kitchen. I followed her voice to find her making tea and scones “I can give you their contacts if you want to make a home out of your flat, you know” she winked at me and handed me a tray of cups and plates to bring it to the living room where the rest of the family was already waiting for us to join them for a little chat “Or maybe, a nice gentlemen could help you make it more like a home”

“Mother” I whined and glared at her “Could we please avoid the topic of my love life? I have already told you, I’m good on my own. I’m on a good path to love myself again after everything that happened between Ezekiel and I”

“That was three years ago, darling” she shook her head “I think you’re only using your breakup with him as an excuse. You were always afraid of commitment”

“You know it’s not true” I rolled my eyes and grabbed a bunch of napkins from the holder. The little ones might need those “Plus, I’m not in a hurry. My career is my priority now. I’m so close for that promotion, Mom.”

“All I’m saying is” she poked my nose “I think you haven’t been in love since…”

“Alice? I unsaddled Lighting, and gave a little treat for the others too” I almost dropped the tray when I heard the voice coming from the hallway. That manly and raspy, yet so smooth voice. I knew it way too well, I didn’t have to turn around to know who it was belonged to. I kept staring at my Mom. I was basically screaming for help with my eyes, but she didn’t seem to see it. Or maybe she just didn’t care at all.

“Thank you, dear” she said a bit louder, so he could hear her. At the same time she shot me a warning look, as if she was telling me to act like a grown up woman “How was he? Any troubles with him?”

“No, he was an…” I felt someone’s presence in the entry of the kitchen, and heard their feet taking a sudden stop “Y/N?”

I slowly turned around and looked at him for the first time after all these years. He almost didn’t change at all. He was still the most beautiful man I had ever seen in my entire life on this goddamn planet. And he had to be right in my childhood home, like it was his as well.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you that Y/N was finally coming home for the holidays” Mom kissed his cheek and looked at my from the corner of her eyes. Sure, she forgot. Forgot on purpose. That woman lived for drama. It was the secret for her elixir of life.

“Yeah, that information might have slipped your thoughts” he said but never broke the eye contact with me. I was getting lost in his icy blue eyes, and I desperately had to leave the room.

“I need some air” I said out of blue and put down the tray that I was still holding in my hands like my life depended on it. I quickly grabbed the coat from the kitchen island and made my emergency exit out of the uncomfortable and awkward situation.

“It was nice seeing you again, Tom” I said quickly as I walked past him and literally ran out of the house, not giving a damn about my sister and brother calling after me. I couldn’t stay there. I needed air. I had to clear my head. Oh God, it was really good to be back _home for Christmas._


	2. She

Do you ever feel like running away? Just suddenly leaving. No note, no warning. Just getting your shit, and leaving? I wanted to stop running away from everything. I needed to. Ten years ago, I ruined so many relationships. I broke so many hearts and trust. Just because I was simply selfish, naive and way too young to understand the true meaning of love and life. I desperately wanted to believe that running away from this town, from my past life and leaving people behind was going to change me for the better, and bring the happiness and fullness I was craving for. I was stupid to think that.

Sometimes I just felt like I was making all the wrong choices and had absolutely no idea what I was actually doing with my life. I tried to convince myself that sometimes, the wrong choices brought us the the right places. But where was the right place? Were my choices all wrong? I just grew up. It happens to everyone as they grow up. We find out who we really are and we want, and then we realise that people we had known forever don’t see things the way we do. So we keep the wonderful memories, but find ourselves moving on.

I pulled the coat closer to my body as I made my way straight to the stable. It was my safe place when I was younger, I always came here when I wanted to be left alone with my thoughts and feelings. Being near to the horses calmed me down every time I was overwhelmed. Something in their huge, dark eyes and majestic posture gave me a soothing feeling. I opened the heavy doors and slipped inside. The familiar smell of hay, oats and horses brought back a lot of memories and feelings. I felt like I was finally home. I walked up to the little treat corner, where all the goodies were kept for the horses and picked up a few carrots and smaller apples to give them. They were happy and healthy horses, their posture told me they were well rested and calm. I patted the side of their head and nose before gave them a little treat and a few compliments. I left Lighting for last. His mother was my first mare, and when Lighting was born, I took it for granted that he was going to be mine just as well. I spent equally enough time with both of them, and worked on a strong bond between us. I tried to take him out on a ride as much as I could to keep him in shape. But that was before that. He was my hero. My very own psychologist, who kept all of my secrets.

“Hello, my baby” I opened his box and stepped inside. I smiled at him and gently patted his side. His black fur was smooth and shiny. It was easy to tell he was taken care right. I gave him an apple and a carrot along with two small biscuits. It was his favourite guilty pleasure. Plane biscuit.

“I knew you’d be here” I jumped a little by his voice, but made sure to not make any sudden moves. I didn’t want to scare Lighting “You always hid here when you were young”

“What makes you think that I’m hiding?” I didn’t look at him, instead I picked up a brush and started brushing it through Lighting’s mane gingerly. I felt his presence right behind me, but I kept my gaze on my stallion.

“I don’t know, maybe because you tend to run away and hide from things” his voice was full of irony and cynicism “Or that you left to house so fast you didn’t even realise you grabbed the wrong coat”

“What?” I looked at him from the corner of my eyes. A smirk was playing on his lips and he was leaning back to the paling.

“You’re wearing my coat” he pointed to the black fabric jacket that I was wearing. He was right. I didn’t care who’s coat I grabbed, I just wanted to be out of that house as fast as possible. Of course it had to be his.

“Oh” I put down the brush and tried to take if the jacket but Tom stopped me. He was way too close to me and I could smell his amazing scent. He changed his cologne through the years. It was more masculine and spicier, but it fitted him perfectly. After all, he was a grown up man.

“Keep it on” he smiled at me softly “You know its always freezing cold in the winter”

As he said that, I shuddered from the icy wind sneaking into the stable from outside. He must have left the door half open when he entered. We stood there awkwardly, neither of us said a word. Maybe we didn’t have anything to say. Or we had too much to say to the other, but had no idea where we should have started. To break the uncomfortable situation, I turned around and payed all my attention to Lighting. I stroked my hand over the delicate arc of his back and scratched the end of his back, his favourite spot. He really was perfect.

“Have you ride him thence?” He asked me and stepped next to me so he could pet his nose. I watched how gentle Tom was with him, and how relaxed Lighting was when he touched him.

“No” I shook my head “I didn’t really have the chance to ride. I don’t think I could do it to be honest. It has been years since the last time I sat in a saddle”

“Bullshit” Tom snorted “It’s like riding a bike. Once you learn it, you never forget it. Plus, don’t forget that Lighting is your stallion. You are like best friends. He would never let you fall off his back.”

“Maybe I do want to forget” I turned to him fully. His blue eyes were the same, but his features changes a bit with the passing years. He grew a stubble and his hair got a little bit darker.

“Yeah, you’re really good at that” his laugh was sour and it hit me right in the stomach. I deserved it tho. He was right. I was always good at erasing sensitive memories from my mind. It was easier to move on if I pretended that they never happened in the first place. But I never meant to hurt people with that. It was only my coping and defence mechanism with life “Anyways, I can take you to a ride, if you want to. I can sit behind you and make sure you’re safe”

“Maybe another time” I said to him. He was such a pure soul. He had his dark side and flaws, but he could never hurt someone. Tom was the most amazing man I had ever met.After all the shit I had put him through, he still tried to put me back on a horse and help me. He really deserved the world.

“So” he scratched the back of his head nervously “How long are you staying?”

“I don’t know yet” I bit my bottom lip. I was getting nervous as well “Maybe until New Year’s Eve.” I shrugged.

“I should get back inside” I took off his coat and handed it back to him “Sorry about stealing your coat” I smiled at him weakly. He took it away from me and nodded. I waved to him and started to walk out of the stables.

“Y/N!” Tom called after me. It made me stop and turn around in my step. I looked at him questioningly “I’m glad that you’re back”

***

“Mind telling me what was he doing here exactly?” I asked my Mom the second I sat down beside her on the sofa. She was peacefully sipping on her tea and munching on a scone when I stormed in and attacked her with my question.

“Oh, darling. Grab a cup of tea and enjoy the nice Christmas melody” she tried to change the subject but I was too stubborn to let it all go that easily.

“Mom!”

“Alright, alrigh” she rolled her eyes and put down her cup “Tom was kind enough to offer his help with the horses after you father died. You know how good he is with them, and I really needed help with you gone, April and Damian busy with their kids”

“Oh” I immediately regretted my outburst. He was doing what I was supposed to do. Help my family in the hard times. I sipped on my tea and looked at my mother “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to be so harsh”

She just waved it off and gave my a scone with butter and jam to have it with my tea. Mom was a modern woman, but she liked having our own traditions, and was very strict about tea time in the afternoon. That was the time of the day when we all would gather around the coffee table and talk about our days, plans, just about everything and anything. After my dad passed away, she was even more strict about this one specific tradition. It was his favourite, and mom wanted to preserve his memory through this.

“What were you doing in the stables with him?” April asked me with a naughty little smile but I laughed it off. She was a hopeless romantic, and tried to make a fairy tale out of everything. I already felt bad for the twin girls. Their momma was going to make their dating life a living hell.

“We were talking about horses” I shrugged and took my nephew away from his mother, so Gabby could have her tea in peace “And about riding”

We all laughed how my brother spit out his tea when he heard it. Mom scolded him for having a dirty mind, and Tom and I were only talking about riding a horse. Damian claimed that even though he loved Tom and knew we were once teenagers, he just couldn’t wrap his mind around his youngest sister having a sex life.

“Did Auntie Y/N and Uncle Tom love each other?” Molly asked with her thin little voice. I looked at her angelic face which was covered in jam. I could feel all eyes on me, but nobody said a word. We touched a sensitive topic here.

“Alright kiddos” April’s fiancé stood up from the armchair and picked up both of his daughters “You still have school tomorrow, so it’s almost time for bed. Let your aunt be. You’ll have enough time to annoy her during the holidays”

I was glad that Elliot saved me. I watched as the two families picked up their kids and went to give them baths and put them to sleep. I helped my mom cleaning the living room, and as I was putting the dishes in the dish washer, Gabby approached me.

“He still misses you” she said and helped me load the washer “Tom. He still thinks of you every day. He might not say it to any of us, or his friends, but he sings the songs he wrote for you each time he’s in the stables with the horses.”

“Gabby, it’s been years” I tried to end the conversation, but arguing with a trained psychologist was a lost case.

“And you miss him too” she put her hand on mine and looked deep in my eyes. God, I hated her so much in that moment “Stop lying to yourself”

“No, I do not miss him” I pulled away my hand a grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge. I turned back to look at her before I left the kitchen “Not at all.”

“Just because you keep saying that, that doesn’t mean your heart will believe it. Your mind might, but you cannot fool your heart, darling” she smiled at me one last time before she turned her back to prepare a bottle for her baby. I left her there with an annoyed look and went to my old room. What a lovely way to start the holidays…


	3. He

I was loping on Lighting, admiring the beauty of the snow covered forest not far from the Mansion. I loved to take him out on a quick little trip. It was good for the the midnight black stallion, because it kept him in his healthy physique, and I could freely be nostalgic. I especially loved riding him during winter, the cold weather cleared my always busy and loud mind, the pungent breeze reminded me of the time I was a kid and played outside in the snow with my three brothers and friends.

“Easy, boy” I said to Lighting when someone cause him to suddenly stop, almost falling off of his back “It’s just a twig”

I patted his neck and got off the horse just to grab the reins and walk him back to the stables. The route was familiar, even though I couldn’t recall the last time I went on that way back to the house. The trees and bushes were covered in a thick layer of white, and the freshly fallen snow covered the grounds, and it crackled pleasantly under my feet. The setting sun’s sunbeams sparkled on the surface, and the slowly darkening sky was decorated with faint stars, ready to shine when the time comes. The whole scenery looked like the picture perfect winter wonderland. It was so calming.

Lighting pushed my shoulder gently, trying to get my attention back. I pulled out a small apple from the pocket of my coat and gave it to him and a little snack before his dinner. He deserved it. No matted how much attention I payed to keep his diet strict, and him in shape, I couldn’t keep a bit of a treat from him time to time. He was an exceptionally smart stallion, and I knew how important he was to the Y/L/N family.

“Let’s go home, buddy” I got back on him and tapped his side with my heels. I galloped back to the stables and jump off of him the second I saw the familiar white building.

***

Yellow lights were coming out of the windows, meaning someone was inside. Albert, the barn boy loved to help out, and mrs. Y/L/N payed him more than enough, so he could pay his bills and take care of his girlfriend and new born baby. I admired how brave they were. They welcomed their little girl at the age of eighteen, not long after they both graduated from high school. When Albert and Macy told their parents about the pregnancy, they kicked them out, saying they were way too young to be responsible and mature enough to take care of themselves, yet alone a tiny human. But they proved them wrong. The love they shared grew stronger by the time, and sticked together trough the whole pregnancy. I was there when she was born. Albert needed someone to take them to the hospital, and immediately called me to help them. I saw the way he looked and Macy and little Audrey. It was pure love and admiration. But I envied them. I wanted nothing to have a family on my own. A wife and children around us.

“Hello, Tom” Albert greeted me when I walked into the stable with Lighting by my side “How was he?”

“He was amazing and always” I smiled at him and handed him the reins so I could warm my hands by the heater “How are Macy and the baby? Could you guys sleep last night?”

“Oh, they are fine. Audrey finally slept though the whole night, so we could get some well deserved rest after all these sleepless nights” he laughed and poured me a cup of hot tea. I gladly accepted it and slowly sipped on it while I listed to him telling me all about their baby, and how happy he was that Macy finally decided to start her own florist business.

“By the way, they are home now, if you want to say hello” Albert looked at me from the corner of his eyes as he was getting ready to leave. I was just about to grab a handful of hay to clean Lighting’s fur, but I decided it could wait. I nodded at him and made my way to the main house to check on them. Mrs. Y/L/N told me they were all going to the twins Christmas show, and would be back for tea time. Shelby and Holly asked me to go with them, but I had a feeling that I should have stayed back instead.

***

 _“So if I only have one day left in my life I’d make you my wife”_ I sang quietly to myself as I was walking to the front door. I wrote this song a couple of years ago, but never had the chance to show it to the special lady.

I could hear the faint noises of talking and laughing from the front porch. I walked in and was attacked by two tiny girls, hanging on my legs and screaming my name. I picked them both up and kissed their still chubby cheeks. They were the most beautiful little girls I have ever met. Their light brown hair were always braided or up in pony tails, and their huge brown eyes were shining like the stars at the midnight sky. Their smiles always cheered me up, and it was just uplifting to be in their presence.

“Hello superstars” I greeted them and tried to understand what they were saying at the same time. Both Shelby and Holly tried to tell me everything about their performance, but it was impossible to understand, so I just laughed and hyped them up even more.

“Grandma is in the kitchen” Holly said and dragged her sister back to the living room, probably to play with their baby cousin.

“Alice? I unsaddled Lighting and gave a little treat for the other too” I said on my way, but then I heard Alice talking to somebody, maybe a friend of hers or Charlotte, the housekeeper.

“Thank you, dear” she said louder, so I could hear her. The other voice was familiar, but I couldn’t recall where or when I heard it. It was smooth and velvety, and made me feel some kind of way “How was he? Any troubles with him?

“No, he was an…” when I entered the kitchen, I immediately froze right there. There she was, standing right in front of me. I didn’t have to see the face, I could have recognised that hair and scent from a thousands of people. I didn’t know she was coming back home. She hadn’t been home for years, always came up with a lame excuse why she had to miss Christmas, birthdays or family gatherings “Y/N?”

I could only watch the woman in front of me, standing by the kitchen island, still showing me her back and gripping the tray in her hands. She slowly turned around and looked at her face for the first time after all these years. She almost hadn’t changed at all. She was still the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen. 

“Oh, I forgot to tell you that Y/N was finally coming home for the holidays” Alice came up to me and kissed my cheek. I saw the annoyed look on Y/N’s face, not buying the bullshit about forgetting to mention she was going to stay here for the holidays.

“Yeah, that information might have slipped your thoughts” I said but never looked away from Y/N. I was getting lost in her y/e/c eyes. I had troubles believing that she was really there and I wasn’t hallucinating. I didn’t know what was I supposed to do. Would it have been awkward if I hugged her? Or was I supposed to only say hello?!

“I need some air” she said out of blue and put down the tray she was still holding in her hands. She grabbed my coat from the back of the chair.

“It was nice seeing you again, Tom” Y/N said quickly as she walked past me and literally ran out of the house. The familiar scent of scandal wood and vanilla, with a light touch of rose petals touched my nose and brought back hundreds of beautiful and painful memories. I watched her leaving. Again.

“Sorry about her” Alice put her hand on my arm “She is just tired, I think. Y/N has been working day and night to get that promotion to be the new head of the PR team at the agency”

“It’s okay” I shrugged it off “I’m kind of used to it by now” I tried to make a joke out of the situation, but I couldn’t smile. Watching her leave was almost as painful when she walked out of my life.

“Tom, mate” Elliot walked in with a knowing look on his face. I had known Elliot my whole life. He was my best friend’s brother, and usually hang out with us after school. Him and Derek were the ones who helped me to confess my feelings back in the days, and they were the ones who brought endless amount of alcohol when she left “I guess you two ran into each other” he patted me on the back and handed me a glass of whiskey. I declined it, because I still had to drive home.

“Yeah” I said “I better be going. I still have a lot of stuff for today at home” I grabbed my keys from the kitchen counter, where I kept them the whole day. I wasn’t supposed to be there. She was home, to be with her family. And clearly, she didn’t want to be in the same room as me, or else, she wouldn’t have ran out. I said goodbye to everyone and left the house, but instead of going to my car, I made my way back to the stables. I couldn’t leave just like that. We were grown ups for God’s sake. We had to learn to be civilised with each other.

***

I slowly opened the door to the barn and looked inside if I could spot her. She loved to hide here when we were younger. I still remembered the day she told me about her hiding spot. It was the day when they found out about his father’s illness, and spend the whole day in here, taking care of the horses and talking to them. She asked me to meet her here, and just be there. She had to know I was there for her. Y/N didn’t want to talk to anybody that day, only the horses. I knew she didn’t want advice or any comforting words. She just had to say everything out loud, so she didn’t go crazy.

“I knew you’d be here” she jumped a little by my voice. I didn’t mean to scare her “You always hide here”

“What makes you think that I’m hiding?” Y/N didn’t look at me, instead she picked up a brush and started to brush it through Lighting’s mane gingerly. I leaned back to the paling and watched her taking care of her horse with so much care and love.

“I don’t know, maybe because you tend to run away and hide from things” I shrugged. My voice was filled with irony and sarcasm, and I sound just like an arrogant son of a bitch “Or that you left the house so fast you didn’t even realise you grabbed the wrong coat”

“What?” She finally looked at me from the corner of her eyes. A smirk was playing on my lips, knowing very well that I successfully took her off guard. She might have been deep in her thoughts, or were trying her very best to avoid talking to me.

“You’re wearing my coat” I pointed to my black fabric jacket that she was wearing. I was annoyed that Y/N wanted to be out of the house so badly, she didn’t even care who’s coat she grabbed on her way out. But I was happy, because I had a valid reason to come after her and talk to her again.

“Oh” she said when she realised what I was saying. She put down the brush and tried to take off the coat, but I stopped her. I was closer to her now. So close, I could hear her heavy breathing and see the faint freckles on her nose. God, she really was beautiful, with her cheeks red from the cold, or maybe because she was frustrated by me. Her eyes were almost black because her pupils were so huge. It actually made her look like a porcelain doll.

“Keep it on” I smiled at her softly “You know it’s always freezing cold in the winter”

Just as I said that, a cold breeze sneaked into the stable through the doors. There was an awkward silence between us. We had no idea how we were supposed to act around each other after all this time. I wanted to say and ask so many things. I wanted to tell her that I made a mistake when I didn’t fight for her. For our relationship. I should have told her I was ready to give up everything and go with her wherever she wanted. We shared the same dreams for so long, I didn’t understand the sudden change in her. She chose a completely different path and future, and she didn’t want me to accompany her on that. I wanted to ask her if she was truly happy. If the profession she had was satisfying her dreams. I wanted to know if she could be honestly happy again. Or she was still coping with life.

At some point, we both moved on. We grew up. We learnt to love the path we chose, and learnt to love again. But it wasn’t the same. I kept comparing the new ladies in my life to her. She was the perfect mixture of everything I needed in my other half. Maybe people were right. Maybe, just maybe, we weren’t the ones for a happily ever after.

“Have you ride him since then?” I asked Y/N as I watched her brushing Lighting and softly patting his side.

“No” she shook her head “I don’t really have the time to ride anymore. I don’t think I could do it to be honest. It has been years since the last time I sat in a saddle”

“Bullshit” I snorted “It’s like riding a bike. Once you learn it, you never forget. Plus, don’t forget that Lighting is yours. You two are like the best of friends. He would never let you fall”

“Maybe I do want to forget” she fully faced me. The look on her face told me she wanted to be anywhere but here with me. I totally understood her. She came to be with her family, not her ex boyfriend.

“Yeah, you’re really good at that” my laugh was sour. I didn’t mean it to came out like this, but sometimes it’s just impossible to stop the overflowing emotions in you “Anyways, I can take you to ride, if you want to. I can just sit right behind you and make sure you’re safe”

I slapped myself mentally. Fuck. Was I really suggesting that? Y/N could barely spend a minute in the same room with me, and here I was, telling her to sit in front of me on the horse, but I couldn’t help it.

“Maybe another time” she said to me. She took a piece of me a long time ago and ever since I’ve been searching in all the wrong places to get that piece back.

“So” I scratched the back of my neck nervously. I tried to ease the awkward tension between us “How long are you staying?”

“I don’t know yet” I stared at her mouth as she bit her bottom lip. A bad habit of hers when she was nervous “Maybe until New Year’s Eve”

I nodded and stayed silent. If she was really staying until then, it would mean she was staying here for almost a month. A lot of things could change at a shot amount of time. This gave me hope. I knew it was wrong from me to think like that, but I wanted to be there for her. I knew how rough the last two years had been to her and her family. I just wanted to get to know the new, grown up Y/N Y/L/N.

“I should get back inside” she took off my jacket and handed it back to me “Sorry about stealing your coat” she smiled weakly at me for the first time. I took it away from her and nodded. Y/N waved to me and started to walk back to the house.

“Y/N!” I called after her, but I regretted it immediately. I absolutely had no idea what I wanted to say or why I called her name out loud in the first place. I was just making a fool out of myself “I’m glad that you’re back”

***

We lived in a complicated word. People had a hard time finding each other and when they finally did, they were scared to take a risk, or they ran from their feelings. I wasn’t afraid to take a risk, nor was afraid to wait. I just didn’t want to wait for something that wasn’t going to happen. But I guess, I never let her go, because in the back of my mind I still believed that someday we were going to get our second chance. Maybe it was it. And maybe, Christmas miracles were true.


	4. She

I missed being a kid. I missed birthday parties in class with cupcakes and spelling tests with the extra credit word being “happiness”. I missed being able to run around playing freeze tag all day without getting tired, then putting my head on the pillow at night and knocking out with no worries or cares. I missed eating however much I wanted without a thought, and curling up on the sofa with a good book and not getting up till it was done. I missed running home to watch Power Rangers and the Fresh Prince and waking up on Saturday morning for cartoons. I missed not being stressed, when everything was pure and simple. But what I missed the most of all, was the time that seemed to never run out. Now I understood why Peter Pan didn’t want to grow up. Sometimes I wished I could just be a little kid again. So when life gets tough, I can just play pretend. I wanna go back to when Santa did exist and I was sneaking out of my room to catch a glimpse of him in the living room. When your daddy was the only one boy you ever kissed. When Disney World was the best place to be. When everyone lived happily ever after. When your biggest problem was learning to write your name and people didn’t change and your friends were the same. And every time you were sad or you had a bad day, you could just run to your mommy and it would all be okay.

But now, birthday parties were dinner and drinks, with people saying they couldn’t stay for too long because they had work the next day, or the babysitter couldn’t stay too long to look after the kids. Now I knew Santa did not exist, and the reason the cookies and milk were gone was that daddy ate them when he placed the presents under the tree. And by now I had kissed boys, and boys kissed me, and I broke their hearts and they did the same to me. The happily ever after was just a perfect illusion and it faded with the years. Friends changed, I changed. And I was really okay with it. It was life. But still, I still wished upon a star for everything to be back to how it was.

“Good morning, sunshine” my brother greeted me with an annoyingly wide smile when I walked into the kitchen, still in my pyjamas and robe. I murmured a hello back and reached for a cup of hot coffee. After my little chat with Gabby last night, I went straight to my old bedroom and tried to clear my mind. I took a long, hot shower and let the water drops wash away all of my tension and thoughts “How did you sleep?”

“Good, thanks” I could finally smile at him, after a few sips of my morning coffee “My bed is just as comfy as I remembered”

“What are your plans for today?” Damian asked me as he was folding a few napkins and putting plates on a tray, I helped him to lay the table in the dining room, and put a vase full of roses in the middle.

“I don’t know yet” I shrugged and stole a bite from a cheddar cheese “I think I’ll go and walk around the town, and later I can pick up the twins, if April wants to run some last minute arranges before Christmas.”

“Sounds good” he answered, but I could tell he wasn’t paying any attention to what I was saying. His mind was either somewhere else, or he was hiding something from me. I knew my brother like the back of my hand, and I could tell when he was trying to build up the conversation to ask for a favour.

“What do you need, Dame?” I laughed and took the basket of freshly baked rolls out of his hand. He sent an apologetic smile in my direction, and I knew in that moment that I shouldn’t have asked in the first place.

“You’re going to hate me for even bringing this up” he sighed at put down the bottle of orange juice “Do you remember the annual Christmas party at the Felton’s?”

I nodded in response. Peter and Sharon Felton were famous of their Christmas parties. Sharon had an amazing talent in choosing a different theme for every year, and the decoration was always award winning. And Peter, he was the life of the party. He knew everyone, and the whole town loved him and his humour. It was so easy to talk to him, and he gave the best advice too. Needless to say, everyone wanted to be invited to be one of their annual Christmas parties, and they tried to please everyone. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a house big enough to fit more than 30 000 people, so they invited their friends and other acquaintances in a rotation, but there were a few families who were invited every single year. My family being one of those lucky ones. Our fathers were great friends back in high school, and soon found their way back to each other when my parents moved back to Epsom not long before Damian was born. The friendship between the two families became even stronger when Tom and I started dating at the age of seventeen, and the two families started to share birthdays, Christmases, Easters and every single holiday together. Ever since then, Sharon and my mom planned the Christmas parties together, and Peter and my dad took on the task to entertain the guests.

“Yeah” I tried to avoid his gaze “What about it?”

“Well” he came up to me and took my hand in his “Peter and Sharon are renovating their house, so the party is going to be here, at our house”

“I still don’t know what I have to do with this whole things” I chuckled nervously and looked up at my brother. He was biting his lips.

“I want you to talk to Tom” he finally said. I sighed in annoyance. The whole bullshit about the Christmas party was only for him to build up this thing. Of course Gabby told him what we were talking about last night in the kitchen, and Damian, being a bored stay-at-home dad, felt the need to intervene my life.

“Damian, you and everyone else in this family, need to understand that Tom and I are old enough to solve our problems” I through my hand in the air “It’s been years. We both moved on, and we are happy”

“Are you really happy?” He asked me “If you were really happy, and if you really had moved on, like you say, than you wouldn’t sabotage your relationships”

“I’m not sabotaging them” I shook my head. I hated to be the youngest sibling. April and Damian always felt the need to be my moral compasses, and tried to told me what was right and what was wrong. I was old enough to make my own decision.

“Of course you are, Y/N” he tried to hold my hand again but I stepped away from him “You’re sabotaging them, and you’re sabotaging yourself just as well. Can’t you see it? Getting your shit together requires a level on honestly, you can’t even imagine. Ain’t nothing easy about realising you’re the one that’s been holding you back this whole time. That your lack of discipline is the answer to some of those why not me questions you ask.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know you had became an expert in self-knowledge since the last time we talked” I said sarcastically “I didn’t come home for you guys to tell me how fucked up my private life is. Trust me, I know that I’ve been running into the wrong type of men. But I don’t have time for a relationship right now”

“Do you even remember who you used to be, way before the big city told you who to be?” His voice was full with hurt, sadness and disgust “We’re still your family, Y/N. Believe it or not, we really know who you are”

“I know who I am” I said firmly. I was done with this conversation and made my way out of the dining room. I had to be alone before I said something I would have regretted later on.

“Are you sure?” I could still hear my brother’s voice, but I refused to answer him. We both had to calm down, and think.

***

Epsom was beautiful in its small town glory, with the snow covered buildings and sidewalks. Every single shop was decorated with fairy lights and wreaths, some of them even had Santa Claus stickers on their windows, waving and wishing everyone a jolly Christmas time. People weren’t in a rush, they were window shopping with huge shopping bags in their hands, filled with presents for their families and friends. Some of them were just standing there, admiring the beauty of winter and chatting with a friend, probably about how’s the family being, or what they were doing for the holidays. Everything was peaceful and bustling at the same time, but somehow, everyone looked calm and collected. They were in the holiday spirit, and nobody could ruin it for them. Lucky bastards.

I spent the whole day listening to old Christmas songs, sang carols in the shower while I washed my hair and I even sat down to watch a cliche Hallmark movie with my mom and a cup of hot chocolate filled with mini marshmallows, but nothing worked. I thought if I took a walk around the town, it might hit me, but I only became stressed about the fact, that some of the presents for my family were still nowhere in sight. I was just about to walk in one of the gift shops, when a kind voice called my name.

“Y/N, my dear” Sharon Anstey, Tom’s mother was waving at me with her free hand and hurrying in my direction from across the street. I politely waited for her to reach me and tangle me in a bone crushing hug “My God, I’m so glad I ran into you. How’ve you been?”

“Hello, Sharon” I softly kissed both sides of her cheeks and smiled at the woman “I’ve been good, thank you. Work’s being a pain in the ass, so I thought a little break from it would be nice” I said “And how are you? How’s everything going with the party?”

“Oh, don’t even mention it sweetheart” she waved my question off with an annoyed look on her face “I’ve been trying to convince Tom to play the guitar and sing a bit, just to help his father to entertain the guests, but you know how stubborn that boy can be”

“Yeah” I smiled awkwardly and played with the sleeves of my coat “Maybe you should bribe him with that amazing chocolate cake of yours. You know he can never say no to that” I winked at her and we both laughed a bit. Tom really liked his mother’s chocolate cake.

“I hope you’ll be there” she told me softly, being careful not to make the conversation uncomfortable. It was good to talk to someone who didn’t want to convince me to talk to Tom, or try to tell me how to live my own life.

“Sure” I smiled at her. No matter what, I would have never had the nerve to insult Sharon and Peter with not going to their Christmas party. I missed the last couple of years, but I always had a good excuse. But now I was here, and I really wanted to be there and just have fun for the first time after so long.

“Brilliant” her eyes lit up “I can’t wait to chat with you more, but I have to buy a few things and I have a meeting with your mother and the decorators around noon, so I really should go”

“See you later, mrs. F” I waved her goodbye and went on my own way. I always loved her. She was one of the purest, kindest and more generous woman I had ever met. She always knew how to cheer someone up when they were feeling down, and her desserts were the most delicious sweets in the whole world. Sharon always had a few kind words to everybody. No wonder everyone wanted to get in the Christmas spirit with her. She was our very own Mrs. Santa Claus.

“Rumour has it, our long lost lamb is finally home again” I turned around on my heels when I heard the thin voice of my good friend from high school. Daisy was standing right there, with an adorable toddler in her arms. Her once light pink hair was now back to its original light brown colour and was cut in a long bob shape.

“Oh my” I said excitedly and hurried to gave her and her son a hug “Hi you!”

“Hello, babe” she laughed and kissed me on the cheeks “Mason, say hi to auntie Y/N”

“Hey” the little boy said shyly and hurried his chubby face in his mother’s neck, clinging to her sweater.

“Why did I have to find out from Tom that you’re back in town?” She scolded my playfully and grabbed my hand with her free one “He called Derek last night and told him how you two ran into each other after he got back from riding”

“Yeah, it was quite funny” I tried to force a laugh, but Daisy knew me better “Argh, I’m just so done with everyone talking about what him and I used to have. It’s been ages since we broke up, we both moved on and we’re both completely different people now. There’s nothing more to discuss about”

“Are you done?” She asked me with a tilted eyebrow and a smirk on her lips. I nodded. I really needed to let these thoughts out because they were about to gave me a terrible headache, and the last thing I wanted during my well deserved vacation was a migraine. I just wanted to enjoy my time at home “Alright. I know you hate talking about these things, so I won’t bother you with my questions. But I think we have tol talk about this at some point. For now, I just have one question” she looked me in the eyes “Are you up for day drinking?”

“I mean, I’m always up” I laughed but then my eyes wondered to the tiny human getting rather impatient in her arms “What about Mason?”

“Oh, my sister is looking after him today” she smiled at me “She has a baby fever, and wants to spend as much time with her nephew as she can”

“Sounds good to me” I shrugged and laughed. We agreed on meeting each other in two hours at the small bar at the end of the main street, so we can both finish shopping, and she can give Mason to his aunt. I was glad I ran into two people who didn’t push me”

***

You know someone’s special to you when you don’t talk for a while because things got busy, but when you two eventually do it’s like you didn’t miss a beat. You talk like there was no gap in between and you laugh until both your stomachs hurt. It’s a rare and special connection. Daisy was my special person. It had been years since we last had the time to sit down and talk with a bottle of wine, but it felt so normal to have her here with me.

She told me everything that I had missed out in her life. After she got her teaching degree, and Derek finally grew the balls to ask her to marry him, they travelled around Europe for a year. She learnt as much as she could about the arts of different countries, and Derek took millions of photos. They both found their destiny during their travelling, and when they got back to Epsom, they opened a gallery with their pictures, and later on, filled it with Daisy’s painting and other artists’ works. Not long after the gallery became a hit, they found out she was pregnant with Mason. I loved listening to her, seeing how happy and in love she was with her husband and son. She was glowing, and I was happy for her. She really deserved to have a family, after loosing her parents at the age of sixteen.

I was glad she didn’t ask any question about the break up, or why I refused to come back to Epsom for years. She knew I needed to forget all about that, and just be myself for a while. But no matter how hard she tried, I could still tell she was having a hard time trying to stop herself from asking all those questions. Luckily, the few glasses of wines we shared eased the emerging awkward silence, and we soon found ourself talking about the good old days from high school.

“And do you remember” she started, but cut herself off with her laughter “Do you remember, when that new kid from Bristol I guess, wanted to ask you to the spring ball and he literally threw up on your shoes from nervousness?”

“Oh please, no” I laughed along with her “Those were my favourite pair of shoes, and I had to throw them out after that” I rolled my eyes at the memory “Poor guy, he must have felt so ashamed, he didn’t even try to come any near to me after that”

“Yeah that, or” she took a sip from her wine “because Tom threatened to beat the living shit out of him if he tried to take his shot with you again”

“He had the tendency to be a tiny bit overprotective” I said nostalgically “Oh, and what about the time the four of us sneaked alcohol into the Christmas party, and tried to blame it on the Warren boys?”

“And they weren’t even there” she snorted, which made me laugh even more “Good old days”

“I kinda miss them” I looked out of the window. The sun was setting, and people were on their way home from work, or to go and pick up their kids from school “London is always too loud and busy. Don’t get me wrong, I love living there, but people just pass by each other without even a tiny smile, yet alone a nice word. The cashiers are impatient and rude, you cannot have a conversation with them. Not like here.

“Than why don’t you come back?” She asked quietly, and it was like it was rather a question to herself than to me. I looked back at her. Daisy was staring at me with wide eyes “Epsom will always be your home, and we’ll always be your family”

“I have my reasons” I shrugged and picked up my glass. I twirled the thin neck of glass in between fingers and watched the red liquid forming waves in the glass.

“I know” she sighed and placed her hand on mine which was resting on the table “And I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready. I’m always a phone call away, you know that.”

“Thank you” I smiled at her and drank the remaining of my drink.

***

After two bottles of wine and a few shots, Daisy and I decided it was best if we both went home. We said our sloppy, drunk goodbyes, acting like we were never seeing each other again, putting on quite a show for the bartender, who was smoking outside. Somewhere between two shots of tequila, I somehow remembered that I came in town by car, and it was waiting outside for me. I absolutely had no idea how I was going to get home, because I was sure about one thing. There was no way I was calling my mother to pick up her almost thirty year old very drunk daughter from a pub where she spent her whole afternoon day drinking with her high school best friend.

Instead of trying to find a cab, or texting one of my siblings, I thought going on a walk might help me to sober up enough to think straight. But being wine drunk, confused and unsupervised was a mistake. I lost control over my emotions, feelings and thoughts. I couldn’t stop myself from going back to high school and think about all the fun we used to have. My mind was an endless circle of flashbacks of youngster pranks, weekend trips to the lake house, memories from summer breaks and ski trips - and of course him.

Lord knows how much I tried to close him out of my mind, but it was impossible. He was everywhere. In my classes, on trips, school dances and afternoon study sessions before finals. Tom was a part of my past. He was my past. He held me when I fall apart in the middle of the night, when I thought my life was going nowhere and I wasn’t enough to accomplish my dreams. He told me I was the most beautiful girl in the whole world for him, when I found myself staring at my reflection, pointing out that I wasn’t satisfied with the size of my breasts, or how much I hated the pores on my face. He helped me to become the woman I was. So I don’t know if it was the overflowing emotions in me, the oodles alcohol in me, or the fact that everyone was talking about him, but I fished my mobile out of my pocket and tried to find his name in my contact list. I hoped he hadn’t changed his number, and sent him a text. Sober Y/N would have hit the phone out of my hands and even stomp on it, to make sure I don’t do anything I might have regret later. But drunk Y/N didn’t care about morals, common sense or anything at all. She went after her heart, not her brain. And her heart screamed at her to send that text. So I did.

**To: Tom F.**

**Message: U up?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Little side note: Sharon and Peter got a divorce when Tom was a teen, but for the story line, they are still happily married. I hope you like it. If so, please, let me know in the comments below. xx


	5. He

“ _And I remember sharing lips with her…the coming weeks were to be a blur_ ” I sang softly to myself while playing the guitar and watching Willow play with her toys “ _Cause time with her is like no other, she can make a winter’s day feel like summer_.”

It was calming to just sit on my armchair by the fireplace, humming to myself and working on some old sings that I had never got the chance to finish. Music was my escape from reality. It had the power to make me smile and bring me to all types of tears. It could carry me back in time and bring back memories. I had a long day behind me, with lots of work and endless texts from my mother, trying to convince me to sing at their Christmas party. I had my reasons why I rejected it every single time, but I didn’t want to tell her. I felt like it would be inappropriate from me to stand there, entertaining the guests.

“Willow, darling, you’re not allowed on the coach” I scolded my dog softly. She jumped off the coach and ran up to me, sitting down by my leg and listened to her favourite song I was playing on the guitar for her. Just as I opened my mouth to start singing to her, my phone vibrated in my pocket “Hold on, Wills”

**From: Y/N Y/L/N**

**Text: U up?**

“What the hell?” I murmured to myself and checked the time. It was 10:51. My heart skipped a beat, looking at the message again. She made it pretty clear in the stables that she didn’t want to see me or talk to me. And now, she was texting me, asking if I was still awake. Well, now I was. Before I could reply, she sent me another message.

**From: Y/N Y/L/N**

**Text: u know, if someone drunk texts you, u should appreciate it. they’re thinking of you when they can barely think straight.**

I frowned at her second text. Of course she was drunk, that was the only logical explanation why she was reaching out to me.

**To: Y/N Y/L/N**

**Text: Yeah. Why?**

I looked at my phone every single second, waiting for the small vibration, signalling that I had a new text. It was pathetic. I had no clue why I was acting the way I was. Maybe it was the side effect of the Christmas spirit. December was always the worst time of the year to be single. Maybe, right now, I wasn’t supposed to be in a relationship with anyone else but myself. Maybe this was my time for me and I was supposed to be enjoying it for exactly what is was. My time, for me. At least that was what my friends were telling me.

I was brought back to reality by the constant vibrating of my phone. It took me a couple of seconds to realise that it wasn’t signalling a new text, but an incoming call. An incoming call from Y/N. I quickly accepted the call, before she could change her mind. I had to know why was she calling me at such an hour.

“Y/N?” I asked, like I wasn’t sure if she was really the one on the other end of the phone, calling me. I couldn’t recall the last time we talked on the phone “What’s up?”

“Tom, hey” her voice was higher than her normal sound, and her words were a bit blurry “I hope I didn’t wake you up”

“No, I was playing the guitar” I said “Everything okay?”

“Oh everything is just marvellous” she literally sang “The town is so pretty at night. And everything is covered in white, and everything looks like it was sprinkled with glitter, oh and the…”

“How drunk are you?” I tried to hide my laughter. She hardly drank. But when she did, she was the most adorable person ever. Like a little child, seeing the beauty of the world for the first time. But she was brutally honest too. No filter at all.

“Just a tiny bit” she said innocently “I ran into Daisy, literally just minutes after I met your mom. She asked me if I was up to day drinking, so we get pretty much wasted”

“Wait, you talked to my mom?” The information took me off guard. Why didn’t my mother mention this to me when she called me after dinner? “Never mind, where are you? Do you need a ride home?”

“Thank you, sir. That’d be lovely” she giggled in the phone. She told me where she was, and I made her to promise she wasn’t going anywhere from there, so I can find her and pick her up.

***

I was driving slowly, my eyes scanning the sideway, searching for her familiar figure. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this. Searching for her, after all the pain she cause. I was supposed to hate her for breaking my heart. And part of me did. The part, which was still craving for the closure. She left, then she came back. And then, all of a sudden she changed. She came back a completely different person, with a new mindset, a new outlook, a new soul.

I spotted her. Y/N was sitting on a bench, admiring the snow covered town around her. The light of the street lamp shone on her hair, it looked like she was glowing. I could see her eyes smiling, lips curving upwards slightly and her cheeks and nose being rosy from the cold outside. I parked down my car and walked up to her. Y/N looked at me with shiny eyes. Deep inside my heart wanted me to be the reason of that shine, but I knew it was the alcohol is her body.

“Hey there” I smiled at her “Ready to go? You must be freezing, it’s fucking cold tonight”

“I’m good” she shook her head and stood up “Why don’t we take a walk? It’s so pretty and calm now. No people, no traffic”

“You know Epsom is not London, right?” I laughed a bit “It’s calm and quite most of the time”

“Yeah yeah” she waved her hand and started to walk to the nearby park. I looked back at my car for a moment. It really was cold outside and I wanted to be home as soon as possible. But that annoying voice in the back of my mind, that always told be to do something stupid or unpredictable, literally screamed at me to follow her and take the opportunity to be with her for a bit longer than yesterday.

Y/N was skipping in the snow, talking about how Daisy was her best friend from high school and how much fun they had today. I followed her closely, and was ready to catch her if she slipped on the slippery road or stumbled on her own feet. Y/N was a few steps away from me, standing right under the street light, waiting for me to catch up to her when it started snowing suddenly. I froze in my step. She was breathtakingly beautiful in the light and snowflakes in her hair. She was smiling at me with a tilted head.

This was wrong. I was getting my hopes up for nothing. I was trying to fool myself, and believe that this was it. The second chance I was craving for. The impossible about to happen. Truth is, I acted like it wasn’t a big deal, when really it was breaking my heart all over again. Every time I thought about her in the last couple of years, I had to remind myself, that if she wanted to talk to me, she would have. I had to accept the fact, that your first love will mostly likely not be your last one. One day, you will realise, that you don’t need to get over your first love, you don’t need to forget. One day, you will realise that the quote: Everyone you meet is either a blessing or a lesson” is true. And you will realise that your first love was both a blessing and a lesson. And that’s okay. I knew it was true love what we had, because my feelings didn’t leave when she did.

But she was my first true love. That’s exactly what she was. She was the one that introduced me to everything, made me love her, loved me back and also broke my heart for the first time. But no matter how hurt I was, I knew I will always love her. Always. She was going to stay with me forever. And not only was I going to notice it, but deep down I was comparing every other girl to her. And none of them lived up, because Y/N was my first love. After months of letting go, when I finally thought I was okay with letting her go, she called. And I sang our songs. And the places I passed by that were important to us reminded me of how much she meant and how much I really loved her and realized I wasn’t completely over her as much as I hoped. But it was still wrong on so many levels.

“Tom?” Y/N’s soft voice pushed my thoughts away. She was standing right in front of me, looking up, staring into my eyes “I’m cold, but I don’t want to go home just yet. My mom is probably still awake, and I don’t want to hear her lecture about the adverse effects of alcohol”

“We can go back to my place, if you want to” I only realised how ambiguous I must have sound when she bursted out it laughter.

“Slow down, big boy” she placed her small hand on chest “Why don’t you buy me dinner first” I laughed with her. Truly laughed, from my heart. It warmed me. For those couple of seconds, everything felt like old times, when we were flirting with each other, and the sexual tension could be cut with knife between us.

“Alright, I’ll cook you something” I threw my arm over her shoulder to keep her warm, and to lead her back to my car. I opened the door for her, making sure she didn’t hit her head while she climbed into the vehicle “If you feel the need to throw up, let me know in time so I can pull over. I cleaned the whole car yesterday, I don’t want to do it again tomorrow as well”

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry” she said and looked out of the window, watching as the town center was left behind. I looked at her a couple of times, from the corner of my eyes. I was waiting for the moment when it hit her that she made a mistake by calling me in the first place. I knew her better than that. If she was sober, she wouldn’t have texted me. In fact, sober Y/N would have hit the phone out of drunk Y/N’s hands and even trampled on it to make sure she can’t use it anymore. But drunk Y/N was always the one who used her heart instead of her brain, and made hundreds of mistakes because of it. I knew I was dancing on thin ice, and mentally, I was preparing myself for the ice bath.

***

“Before we go inside" I stopped her in front of my front door “I have a dog, and she thinks she’s part kangaroo”

“What the hell are you talking about?” She looked at me like I was on some kind of drugs, talking about a dog that was acting like a kangaroo. She just didn’t know Willow.

“Willow, my dog, is a very happy doggo. And loves to meet new people, so if she jumps up and down from excitement, please, just excuse her. She’ll tire herself out and lay down on her bed “I said quickly and opened my front door, holding it for her to step in. Lucky for us, Willow was already tired from the endless rounds of wrestling with her favourite stuffed toys, and were lazily looking at us from her space.

“Hey, girl” I said to her “Let me introduce you to someone” she immediately jumped up from hearting my voice and sprinted to me, running into my legs, almost knocking me down to the ground. She licked my hands a couple of times and wiggled her tail from happiness “Willow, this is Y/N. Daddy’s…friend” I found it strange and funny at the same time, introducing my ex girlfriend to my dog, like she was my child or something. I looked at Y/N, who was looking at Willow like she was the most beautiful dog she had ever seen. I almost forgot how much she loved dogs. She kneeled down and held her arm out for Willow to sniff it and decide if she trusted her or not.

“Hi, Willow” she said in a soft voice, making sure not to scare her with it “It’s nice to meet you, girl. Did we wake you up?” Willow looked at her with tilted head and curious eyes. She looked a little taken back by the unknown visitor, who she had never seen before, but slowly approached her and sniffed her hand. I watched them carefully, and my heart skipped a beat when I saw Willow’s tail wiggling again from happiness. She licked Y/N cheek and just like that, she went back to her bed to chew on her gummy bone.

“Come on, I’ll make us tea” I pulled Y/N with me to the kitchen and offered her a bar stool to sit on while I put water in a kettle.

“When did you move in here?” She asked me. I looked at her and then was when I realised she took of her scarf and coat. I had the chance to take a better look at her in normal lighting, not just in the crappy street light. Her hair was a little bit shorter now, and the melted snow made it look a little wavy and disheveled. She wasn’t wearing any makeup at all, which make her look a couple years younger. The rosy glow from her cheeks were gone, but her eyes were still shining. I couldn’t help myself, my eyes wandered down to her body. She was wearing a simple black long sleeve shirt, with a deep V-cut. Her breasts were perky, and were slowly moving up and down with every breath she took. She had an amazing hourglass figure, with the right amount of curves. Even though we were ancient history, I was still a man, and she in my eyes she still was a goddess, so I couldn’t blame myself for the unholy thoughts running through my mind, when she leant on the kitchen island, supporting herself with her elbows, and her breasts were pushed even more together.

“Hello?” She waved her hand in front of my face, snapping me back to reality. I quickly tore my gaze away from her upper body, and looked back at her face. A knowing smirk was playing on her lips, she knew very well the affect she had on me, or on any men in general.

“Sorry, what was your question again?” I asked her and turned away to grab to mugs from the cupboard and hide the slight blush on my cheeks.

“When did you move in?” Her voice was now a bit faded, so I looked at her over my shoulder to see where she had gone. Y/N was walking around my living room, watching the CDs, DVDs and books covered walls with her hands in her jeans’ back pockets. I had to bit my lip to stop myself from grunting. God. I swear to God, that woman was doing this on purpose.

“Three years ago” I said and put the tea filter in the water and walked up to her, stopping right behind her “I thought it was time for me to finally leave the family nest and start my own life” I handed her the mug. I was standing so close to her, if I took a tiny step forward, out bodies would have touched.

“Why did you stay in Epsom?” She asked and took a step closer to the shelves, covered with my favourite books. She looked at them carefully, stroking through the spines of the lined books softly.

“Why didn’t you stay in Epsom?” I shot a question back at her. For a second I thought this was it. My question was going to be the deal breaker in this situation. This was going to remind her where she is and with who, and in just a couple of minutes, she will be out of my flat. But she just looked at me over her shoulder with a tiny smile on her lips.

“This town will always be too small for the dreams held inside my head” she said with a shrug and kept on looking at my CD collection. I watched her body moving slowly, stepping for a few minutes to check the cover of a CD or DVD, or to read the back of a book she found interesting.

“Do you still play it?” She asked me, looking in the corner of the living room. She was talking about the guitars “I remember, when you played in front of the whole school. You were so nervous, I thought you were going to throw up in the middle of your performance and ruin it. But you nailed it. Everyone loved it”

“Yeah, we don’t talk about that day” I laughed “I like to play, when I have the time. It’s very calming”

“Play something for me” she picked up one of my guitars and handed it to me “Please”

I don’t know why, but I took the guitar away from her without hesitation and sat down on the coach, placing the instrument on my thigh. Y/N sat down next to me, with her tea still in her hands, looking at me expectantly. I got lost in her eyes for a moment, and my hands automatically started strumming the strings, and soon after my voice filled the silent room.

_So you can take a look in my crystal ball,_

_Tell me what you see. Nothing at all._

_Because the past did not last quiet long enough._

_Didn’t notice what would be so rough._

_And, misspent youth, time well spent._

_You can’t find a life in just paying the rent._

_Now._

_Let’s take it back to the early days,_

_When we were carefree and oh so young._

_Let’s take it back to the memories._

_Oh, when life seemed to be nothing but fun._

_Now, let’s rewind to those times_

_When we were happy._

_Let this song bring back what seems to be gone_

_I said let this thing bring back what seems to be gone._

_So you can take a glass of champagne past_

_Which unfortunately didn’t last_

_Because ignorance was bliss,_

_Sealed with a kiss._

_I’d take my chance to dance_

_With no need to resist._

_Misspent youth, time well spent._

_You can’t find a life in just paying the rent._

_Now._

I slowly stopped singing and playing the guitar and looked at her. I had no idea why I chose this song in specifically. Must have been my subconscious playing a dirty game with me. Y/N was still watching my hands, which were not resting on the guitar. She looked like she was deep in her thoughts, her face looked distant.

“Could you teach me?” She finally asked and put down her mug on the coffee table “Just a few accords”

“Sure” I said, but I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. But still, I placed the guitar in her lap and helped her to hold it correctly. Y/N scooted closer to me. So close, our bodies were pressed to each other “There are five basic chords. C major, A major, G major, E major and D major” I started to explain and tried to figure out the most appropriate way to show her how to hold down the strings for each sound, without getting too close to her. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable “To play most guitar chords, you need to press down on the strings with the tips of your fingers. This allows you to apply maximum pressure and to get the cleanest sound possible” I explained to her. I moved a bit backwards, so I was sitting almost behind her, with my hands hugging her from both sides, placing her fingers on the right strings, and moving her other hand to pluck on them. Out faces were so close, I could feel her warm breath on me, and her hair tickling my skin “Just like this” I moved her hand again “This was a G major”

“Why don’t you accept Sharon’s request to play it on the Christmas party?” She didn’t look at me when she asked me, instead she kept her gaze on the strings, trying out the different chords. I sighed. Of course my mom told her that I rejected the request every single time. I was silent for minutes, contemplating wether to tell her my reason or no. But she deserved to know.

“Because of Tony” I said quietly and watched as her fingers stopped playing with the strings. Her whole body froze for a moment, before she pulled herself together again.

“What does it have to do anything with my dad?” Her voice broke a little, and to cover it up, she grabbed her mug and took a huge sip of her tea. I knew we were stepping on eggshells with this topic, and I knew it was a very sensitive one for her.

“It was their thing” I said “Entertaining the guests. Singing, even though they both had terrible voice. People loved Tony, they still do. I feel like, if I accept it, I would ruin it. I don’t want to dishonour your father’s memory. He was an amazing man, with a huge heart and a special talent to be the life of every party”

“You know, he’d be happy to see you sing” Y/N said finally after minutes of silence. It was their first Christmas without Tony, so my parents wanted to make sure this year’s party was worthy of his memory.

“But would you be happy?” I turned my head to get a better look of her face. Pain was written all over her beautiful face. It tore me apart to see her like that. I slowly took the guitar away to put it down, and wrapped my arms around her. I had no bad intentions. I didn’t care what we had, how we ended things between us, or that we hadn’t have any kind of communication between us for seven years, I had to hold her. And she needed to be held.

“Thank you” she whispered and grabbed my right hand. I saw a tear rolling down her cheeks, so I used my thumb to wipe it off. Y/N turn her face in my direction. I was so close to her face, I could have counter her eyelashes, and I would see the tiny scar in the inner corner of her right eye. A sudden warm feeling filled my whole body, and my palm became sweaty. My heart was beating so fast, I was afraid she could hear it, or feel it on her upper arm. My eyes wander lower from her wide pupils, which made her natural eyes colour look black. I rested my gaze of her lips for seconds, then quickly looked back into her eyes. My hands slipped down from her arms, and found their perfect place around her torso, resting in the arc of her waist. I gently squeezed them and pulled her whole body just a tiny bit closer to mine. I wanted to kiss her, but only in the most connotative was possible, so that no dictionary definition would have stood a chance to describe how our lungs could have been filled with the sweetest air possible, and yet we would have been so breathless.

“Darling…” I whispered as our bodies leaned forward at the same time, neither of us could or wanted to tore away our gaze from each other’s lips. I could feel the softness of her lips on mine, but Y/N suddenly pulled away.

“I should go home” she said and stood too fast, she lost her balance and almost fell on me. I followed her action and went to the kitchen to grab her coat and bag.

“I’ll drive you home” I said, avoiding the eye contact with her “You’re still a bit drunk, we don’t want you to hurt yourself or get your licence suspended, right?”

“Yeah” she hummed and went to give a small kiss to Willow on her head. The lovely dog happily looked at her and walked Y/N to the door. She barked a little when we left, but I knew the moment the door was closed behind us, she was back in her bed chewing on her toy again.

***

We didn’t say a single word in the car while I was driving. I kept my eyes on the road, and Y/N kept playing with her hands, only looking up to see how far we were from their house. Maybe I should have told her I was sorry for almost kissing her, but it would have been a lie. I wanted nothing more than to feel her lips again. To taste those sweet lips of hers, and hold her in my arms, feeling every beat of her heart against my own chest. I wanted to run my fingers through her soft hair, and pulling it softly, making her moan into my mouth. I wanted her to grab me by the back of my neck, pulling me even closer and deepening the kiss, showing me how much she lusted me. And I was so close to stop the car right in the middle of the deserted road just to lean over to her side and kiss her passionately.

“It would made him happy” she said so quietly, I almost didn’t hear her “If you accepted your mom’s request. Dad would be happy to hear you sing, because he knew how much you love to. And knowing that he would be happy, it would make me happy too.”

I knew Y/N didn’t say it to start a conversation, or ease the awkward tension. She just had to say it out loud. So I only nodded and kept my mouth shut.

“We’re here” I said when I pulled up to the huge driveway in front of their house, which almost looked like it had a tiny roundabout in the middle of it. Y/N snapped back to reality from the depth of her mind and finally looked at me for the first time since we got in the car.

“Thanks” she forced a smile on her lips, but it never reached her eyes. She stared at me for a couple more seconds before she opened her eyes to say something, but she changed her mind in the last minute and closed it again. She was halfway out of the car when she stopped at looked back at me “I’m sorry, Tom.”

“Pardon?” I asked. I was hoping she didn’t apologise for the almost kiss.

“I’m sorry for everything” she said “I hope one day you’ll understand why I did what I did”

And with that, she closed the car door behind her and hurried inside the house from the cold. I watched her, waited for her to turn around. For my biggest surprise, she did. Y/N stopped before entering the house and turned around to wave me good-bye. I nodded, even though she couldn’t see it from the tinted windows of the car. I drove home with a stupid smile on my face. Maybe, instead of overthinking and overanalysing everything that happened in the past, and everything that had happened in the present, I should have just stopped worrying how everything was going to happen, and start believing it was going to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. The song is actually Tom's song, called "Let's take it back". It one of my personal favourites from him, and you can find the full lyrics and a link to the song here: http://feltbeats.com/2009/10/05/lyrics-for-lets-take-it-back-tom-feltons-newest-song/  
> Enjoy the new chapter. xx


	6. She

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter contains explicit, adult content.  
> Please note, that in this story, Tom is not an actor, so he never played Draco in the films.  
> Hope you like it! xx

Fucking hell. I groaned as I turned on my back. My head was pounding and I felt like I was sitting on a carousel. Drinking over 25 was no fun at all. At least not the day after. I slowly sat up in my bed, looking at the bright light coming into my room through my windows. I cursed myself for not drawing in the blinds last night before I went to bed. I didn’t considered myself an old person at the age of twenty-eight. The only times I felt old were the mornings after I drank like a much younger person. After all, hangover was just only my body telling me I was an idiot. So after I finally made my way to my bathroom, without falling or throwing up, I had decided that I was going to use what little energy I had left today to breath and maybe blink a couple times.

Hangovers were bad, but not as bad as the sober regrets after a night of drunken mistakes. I was never good when it came to feelings and how to handle them. I either ran from them, or made huge mistakes when tried to face them. And the last couple of days were about nothing but feelings. Old and new ones. Truth is, vodka was easier to swallow yesterday than the fact that I had to face the consequences of my actions. I thought I was doing fine. I was so moved on it was almost unbelievable. Turns out, a few well thought sentences and too much alcohol had the guts to tell me: hell no, you were moved on. My thoughts kept screaming at me, rushing back to the memories, to the moments I spent with him. And my body betrayed me. My subconscious betrayed me.

I made a fool out of myself yesterday, when I decided it was a brilliant idea to text him, and call him to come and meet me. A part of me hoped that Tom had changed his phone number throughout the years, and my messages would have stayed unsent. But that was just a tiny little part of me. I wanted to see him when I was drunk, so if I did something, I could easily blame it on the alcohol and that I wasn’t thinking straight. Because I wasn’t. How was I supposed to when his eyes burned into mine? Or when he was holding me in-between his strong arms, showing me how to push down the chords on the guitar? Was I supposed to be all sober and rational, when his soft lips were brushing mine, calling me the by the same nickname he used to when we were together? He wanted that kiss. We both wanted it, but we both knew it would have been a mistake. I didn’t come home to ignite the old flame and break both of our hearts again. My stay here was only temporary. My life was waiting for me back in London. The chapter in my book wasn’t going where I wanted it to go, so I had to close it with the lessons learned, and move on to the next one. I couldn’t start the next chapter of my life if I kept re-reading the last one. I was leaving in the end of the month, so there was no way the whole thing between could work out well. After all these years, I still cared for him and respected him enough to make sure I didn’t hurt him again. Or myself. But damn, all I could still think about was his amazing scent filling up my nostrils, and the closeness of his body waking up the butterflies in my stomach from their hibernation. I wanted his lips on mine, kissing me softly and pulling me so close to his body, leaving no space between us. I craved for his hands wandering around my body, and his fingers getting lost in my hair, pulling it softly. I had to feel him. It was such a grotesque situation. Vodka burned my throat, but his name hurt my head so I chose to black out with a hangover than to just sit around trying to forget him or what it was like to touch him.

“Fuck” I groaned and turned the sink to the right, so cold water was running down my body, waking be up and calming down the pulsing between my thighs. I had to stop this nonsense immediately.

I turned off the water and get out of the shower. I walked back to my room, with a towel wrapped around my body and sat down on my bed. I grabbed my phone from my nightstand to check my social media and emails. I tapped on the iMassage icon to see if I texted someone, who I wasn’t supposed to beside Tom, but for my relief, I didn’t. There were a couple of new message from my supervisor, asking if I knew where she had left the final contract forms and telling me don’t forget to actually take a break from work. And there were two other messages.

**From: Unknown**

**Text: Hey, babe. I was wondering if you wanted to grab some lunch with Derek and I today.** **Let me know if you do. -Daisy**

I quickly typed an answer to her, letting her know I was up for lunch and would meet them at the new restaurant next to the book store. The other one was from Tom.

**From: Tom F.**

**Text: Advil and fresh orange juice for the hangover :)**

Just when I thought I could finally think about something else, than our almost kiss from yesterday, he had the audacity to text me and push my thought back to last night. Was it really that bad to dream about someone’s lips on mine and on all over my body? It wasn’t a sin to imagine those things, and who was I to ban myself from a little fun? Without any more hesitation, I walked up to my door and locked it. Good, privacy.

***

I was laying on my back, with my left hand grabbing the sheets under me, eyes tightly closed as I imagined Tom kissing my lips passionately. I saw the way his hands ran down my sides, stopping by my hips and squeezing them, his body resting between my legs, pressed against my yearning core, grinding against me, driving me crazy. I imagined his icy blue eyes turning black and filling with lust and admiration as he looked down at my naked body. Then I saw him leaning in, kissing me again slowly, his lips moving in perfect sync with mine and forcing his tongue into my mouth, searching for mine, and when they finally found each other, he asked for a passionate tango. I moaned quietly as I remember how good it used to feel, kissing him and his tongue messaging mine.

My right hand was playing with my breast, but in my mind, it was Tom’s large hands grabbing and massaging it, while he sucked on my other nipple. I bit my bottom lip to stop myself from moaning out loudly when I pinched my nipple a little harder than I planned. Goosebumps covered my entire body when I slowly ran my hand down my body, my fingers touching my skin only the slightest. Oh how I wished those were Tom’s fingers, pampering my skin and painfully slowly reaching my heat.

His head would have looked perfect between my thighs, putting my legs on his shoulders and kissing the sensitive skin of my inner thigh, teasing me to death and never breaking eye contact with me. I imagined his mouth finally finding my core, and kissing around it before giving me what I was craving for. His tongue slowly licking my folds, massaging them before giving his attention to my most sensitive spot. I kept seeing him sucking of my clit while pushing his long fingers into my pussy, and moving them in and out in a quick space, hitting the right spot with every entry.

But in reality, they was me satisfying myself with my fingers moving in circular motions on my clit and entering my vagina alternately. My muffled moans filled the room as my fingers worked quicker on my body and as the memories of Tom pleasing me were playing in front of my eyes like a movie. My orgasm was building up, I could feel the familiar pulsation in my abdomen as the different scenarios of him and I flashed in front of me. I tried to recall perfectly how his hand felt around my neck, choking me while my legs were up on his shoulder and he was completely deep in me. I imagined the way his lips felt on my neck, sucking on my skin, making sure he left his mark on my body in the form of love bites.

I moaned loudly as I reached my high, thinking about Tom, his lips, his body and his fingers. I layed there, panting and thinking about how fucked up I really was.

***

“Mom, I’m having lunch with Daisy and Derek” I called out for my mom, who was busy with deciding between two almost completely identical napkins for the Christmas party. She murmured something is response which was very similar to something like “have fun”, and focused on the napkins again. I was happy she kept herself busy and found something that could take her mind off of dad. It was hard for all of us, we lost our dad. But mom, my mother not only lost her husband, but her best friend and soulmate too. They were the perfect match made in heaven, high school sweethearts, who actually made it. Their loved survived everything, and shone even brighter with the passing years. Everyone wanted a love like they had. Even me. I was hoping I will be lucky enough who would love me at least half as much as my father loved my mother.

“There you are” Daisy greeted me when I finally parked down and get out of my car. Earlier we made plans to meet up before lunch, and like always, I was late so she had to wait for me in the cold “Derek is already there, waiting for us. Come one, I’m literally freezing to death here” she didn’t let me to say anything and dragged me into the restaurant at the end of the main street. The new restaurant was very cozy with the dark oak tables with the comfortable chairs and blunt lighting. Soft music was playing in the background, loud enough for the guests to enjoy the songs, but quiet enough to let them have a conversation without having to raise their voice to hear each other. Plants were everywhere and the candles made the table setting look very intimate. Not the typical restaurant where you would step by to grab something for lunch with the family, but the perfect place for dates of for a couple of friends to eat and catch up with each other’s lives.

I was looking around the interior, admiring the design, when my eyes landed on a way too familiar dirty blonde hair and electric blue eyes, staring right back at me with the same surprised expression. I guess neither of us wanted to run into each other after last night. And I especially didn’t want to face him after what I had done just two hours ago in my bedroom.

“What the hell was this idiot thinking?” Daisy growled next to me, looking at the two menalready sitting at our table “I’m so sorry Y/N, I had no idea Derek invited Tom”

“It’s okay” I tried to act cool, but my heart was beating in my throat and I felt like I was about to throw up from my crapulent embarrassment “Come, I forgot to eat breakfast and I’m starving” I pulled her with me. I wanted this lunch to be over as soon as possible so I could go back home and swim in a pool of my bad decisions and hangover regrets.

“Derek, long time no see” I greeted Daisy’s husband with a big smile. The huge man stood up and brought me in a bone crushing hug “It’s so nice to finally see you again”

“You too, tiny” he looked down at me with a warm smile and a chuckle left his lips seeing the grimace on my face from his old nickname for me “You look amazing. I bet them London boys are falling head over heels for you”

“Yeah” I chuckled nervously and looked at Tom quickly from the corner of my eyes. He was shifting in his seat uncomfortably and his jaw was clenched tightly together with a strange expression on his face, like he was disgusted and bothered at the same time “Not really. I’ve been busy with my job” I said “And you know me, it’s hard to impress me”

“Same old Y/N” Derek shook his head with a laugh and went to greet his wife with a kiss. I quickly sat down next to Tom and while Daisy was probably scolding Derek for inviting Tom without talking to her about it, I turned to him.

“Hey” I said softly and before I continued, I made sure Derek and Daisy were still too occupied with their conversation to hear anything from what I was saying to Tom “Could we please act like last night never happened? Just for now. I don’t want them to ask questions or make up things in their heads”

“Don’t worry” he smiled at me cheekily “Whatever happened in my apartment, stays in my apartment”

“Thanks” I smiled at him gratefully.

“So, tell me everything about that dream job of yours” Derek said when they finally joined us. They sat in front of us with smiles on their faces, looking at Tom and I curiously. Maybe they heard our little agreement?

“Well, I’m the junior manager of the PR team at the agency” I started and told them everything about my latest projects, my plans with the chosen work field, even about how much I hated my partner, who was only trying to find a rich husband to cover her luxurious lifestyle “I’ve been working my ass off to get the promotion to be the new senior manager”

“Wow” Daisy said proudly “You’re kicking asses in London then. They’d be crazy not to give you that promotion”

“What happened to music?” Tom asked out of blue. The whole time I was talking about my job, I could feel his eyes burning the side of my face “You always wanted to study music and become a music producer or a sound engineer”

“Music was my hobby” I shrugged “I had better options on the marketing and PR field”

“But does it make you happy?” He had my full attention. Tom was asking the right questions. But the right questions were sometimes the hard ones too. Just like making decisions. Sometimes, the right path wasn’t the easy one “Or did you settle for less? For safe?”

“Safe can be good too” I said “Safe is good in love, and if you’re safe and you love, life is actually pretty bloody amazing”

“But what is life without taking a little risk?” Our eyes were locked, neither of us could nor wanted to look away. We both tried to answer his question without words. I knew what he was referring too, but I didn’t want to start that conversation with Daisy and Derek waiting for us to pay attention to them just as well. Fortunately, the waiter finally arrived to our table.

“Welcome to Rocksalt. My name is Tony, and I will be your waiter for today” the young man said politely. He looked a couple of years younger than us, and he was rather dashing. I would have bet girls around all age would be happy to date him “What can I get you to drink?” He looked at us, and his eyes stopped at me, smiling at me brightly.

“Can I have a coke please, with a slice of lemon and no ice?” Daisy asked and looked up at the waiter who nodded and wrote down her order.

“I’ll have a sweet tea. Thanks” Derek said, but he kept his eyes on the menu, trying to figure out what to have for lunch. Tom ordered a coke as well, with ice and lemon too.

“And what can I get for the beautiful lady?” Tony looked at me again with a flirty smile on his lips. I felt a little uncomfortable, because he was openly trying to hit on me, and I wasn’t in the mood to flirt back or reject him. I was still hangover and having Tom sitting so close to me again didn’t help at all to stop my body screaming at me to grab and kiss him.

“Just a glass of mineral water, still” I smiled at him politely. I saw his facial expression change from flirty, to professional in a second. At first, I thought he was offended by my neutral tone, but then I felt it. Tom put his arm on the back of my chair, and it must have looked like he was hugging me. I saw Daisy and Derek looking at each other from the corner of their eyes, forcing themselves to not laugh at the childish behaviour. I rolled my eyes at them and picked up the menu to check what they had to offer in the lunch menu.

***

“So you’re telling me that J.K.Rowling created his character and never gave Draco his redemption?” Derek asked me with wide eyes “Why would she do that? Draco was a dick, he tried to kill Dumbledore, for fuck sake”

“No no no” I shook my head in annoyance “You don’t get it. Draco had no choice but to be a Death Eater. His father messed up, and it was like a punishment for the Malfoy family. And he was just a boy, who had no choice”

“I still think he didn’t deserve a redemption” Derek pouted like a little child and took a bite of his dessert. We had spent the last hour and half talking about Harry Potter and how each character had their own character development through the books, but we reached an interesting point in the conversation when I said I missed Draco’s redemption, and Rowling should have work on his story a bit more, so the readers could understand the young Malfoy boy better. But Derek only see the bad guy in Draco, and was perfectly fine how his story line turned out in the end of the books.

“You know what I think?” Tom asked him. He was almost silent for the whole conversation, enjoying his ice cream and only leaving small side marks “I think Draco was actually a big softie inside. He really had no choice, like Y/N said. Potter had all these good influence and friends who told him what to do and what was right. But Draco came from a toxic family, and he was taught that only pureblood witches and wizards mattered. It was like, he was sent out there to be evil”

“Exactly” I nodded in agreement and took a sip from my coffee “You’re such a Gryffindor, Derek” I laughed at him.

“Oh really? Well, you’re such a Slytherin bitch” he throw his napkin at me, pretending to be offended by my sorting.

“I wonder which house I would be sorted into if Hogwarts was real” Daisy chirped in “I think I would be a Gryffindor too”

“Hufflepuff” the three of us said in union. Daisy was born to be a Hufflepuff, there was no doubt about that. She thought about it a second, then accepted her fate of being a bubbly little person that she was.

“I’d be a Slytherin too” Tom said proudly and even sat up straighter to show how majestic he really would be. I looked at him with a tilted eyebrow “What?”

“More like a Hufflepuff” I said with a smirk.

“Nope, definitely a Slytherin” he argued “Just look at me, I’m cunning, ambitious and I’m an amazing leader”

“The only thing you lead is Willow” Daisy laughed at Tom and stole a bite from Derek’s dessert “I think you’re a mixture of a Slytherin and a Hufflepuff. Like, you are fun to be around and you’re kind, but you can be a dick too.”

“I’ll take that” he leaned back in his chair in satisfaction and finished his ice cream happily. Slytherin, my ass. That man was over the moon that he could eat his ice cream in the middle of winter. I looked at his dirty blond hair, icy blue eyes and pale skin and smirked

“You do look like a real life Draco Malfoy” I said to him which made Tom smile brightly.

After that, Derek and Tom finished their desserts, and ordered coffee for themselves too. The conversations ran smoothly, and it felt like we were back in high school again. Just four people, talking about everything and anything. We didn’t let reality to ruin our fun, we deftly avoided the sensitive topics, such as new relationships or me moving away and not coming back to Epsom for years. We only talked about good and happy things, and when we said goodbye, the twenty-one old me, still hiding inside me wished she had never left.

“We have to repeat this again soon” Daisy said as she hugged me “I had a lot of fun with you guys”

“Me too” I agreed and stepped to Derek to give him a hug “Make sure you read the books too. Maybe you’ll understand more about the whole story”

“Whatever” he rolled his eyes playfully and went to their car to turn up the heat, because Daisy was cold. They waved to us as they passed by Tom and I, and with that, we were left alone.

“I should - “I started to say but I didn’t finish my sentence.

“Yeah, me too” he said and scratched the back of his head “This lunch really was lovely. I think that Theo guy had a crush on you”

“You mean Tony, the waiter?” I corrected him “Yeah, I think he was trying to win me over to give him a higher tip at the end. Too bad for him that Derek was the one who payed for lunch” we both laughed a bit.

I don’t know what hit me, but I stepped closer and hugged him. Maybe it was still the happiness inside me, or the afterglow of my orgasm from earlier, but I felt like it was right. Just a friendly hug, which turned into a little bit more the second Tom wrapped his arms thighs around my waist and pulled me as close to his body as he could. He buried his face in my neck and planted a tiny kiss on my skin. A shiver ran down my spine by his actions, and the butterflies from yesterday started to stretch their wings in my stomach again.

“Bye, Tom” I said softly and let go from the hug. I hurried to my car and get in quickly. I hit my head on the steering wheel. Stupid Y/N for hugging him. Stupid Tom for hugging me back and kissing my neck. Stupid butterflies in my stomach. Stupid feelings that I wasn’t supposed to have around him. At least not anymore. I was fucked.


	7. He

In my twenty-eight years on this planet, I had learnt that overthinking is never the solution to my problems. Overthinking will only destroy my happiness and my mood. It’ll make everything worse than it actually is. And why would I overanalyse everything that is happening in my life, and overthink people’s actions, when I could just lean back and enjoy life in its true form? Without trying to control my emotions or my actions. Life is full of surprises, but you cannot enjoy it properly, if you keep thinking and planning everything. Maybe fate had a different kind of humour, but it was surely in charge for my future. Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best.

So when I got home yesterday, after having lunch with Daisy, Derek and Y/N, I simply cherished the fact, that we could sit next to each other and have a conversation like civilised people. Just like old times, but the only difference was, we weren’t a couple anymore. Although, this didn’t stop me from being a little jealous and protective over her, when the waiter tried to flirt with her. I didn’t think, I just let my body do as it pleased, and before I knew, my hand was resting on the back of her chair, shooting death glares at the poor guy, who might only wanted to be nice for a better tip at the end of our lunch.

“Dude, are you even listening to me?” Derek waved his hand in front of my face and looked rather annoyed by the lack of attention he was receiving from me “What are you daydreaming about? Or should I say who?” He asked with a smirk on his face. I throw one of Mason’s stuffed toy at him and after I made sure no tiny humans were around us, I shoved him my middle finger. He had been teasing me about Y/N ever since I told him she was back in town for the holidays. Derek knew how much a loved her and how I planned to spend the rest of my life with her, and he knew how much she still meant to me. Even after all these years.

“Fuck off” I shook my head and picked up the invitation sample from their coffee table. Daisy and Derek wanted to throw a little high school reunion party, thinking that most of our fellow classmates were back in town to visit their family, so it would be easier to gather them together now, than at any other time of the year “So, when’s the party?”

“17th December” he answered while he was typing something on his computer “I was just telling you that, but you were too busy fantasising about a special lady”

“I was not” I rolled my eyes “What is my role in this whole thing? Do you want me to sing or bring Willow so she can entertain everyone?”

“Willow can stay at home for once” he laughed and looked at me for a moment “I actually need your help to find the perfect place for the party” he pushed a few brochures into my direction “I looked up a couple of options, but I don’t think either of them would be the one. They’re either too big, or too boring”

“Why don’t we use the school’s gym like every normal person would?” I asked him while I flipped through the brochures. They really weren’t that promising.

“Cause we’re not normal” he shrugged and stood up to pick up Mason, who just woke up from his afternoon nap and called for his dad. Never in a million years I would have imagined Derek as a father, but for my surprise, he was amazing in his new role. He adored the little man, and would have done everything to make Mason happy.

“Hey, buddy” I smiled at my godson and take him away from his father “Did you sleep well?”

“Willow?” Mason ignored my questions, and immediately started to look for the dog who he loved so much “No Willow?”

“No Willow this time, sorry” I kissed his chubby cheek and sat him on my lap “She is guarding my home”

“Okay” he simply said and reached out for the papers on the desk to play with them. I was silently watching him, mindlessly playing with the things on the table and wondered if I ever have the chance to be a dad. I loved kids, and they loved me too. It was always an amazing time when I could babysit my nieces and nephews, or Mason.

“You know, Daisy wants Y/N to help with the planning too” Derek said after a while. I avoided to look at him or say anything “Tom, I know it’s hard to see her here again, and knowing that she will leave again after the holidays. So I understand if you don’t want her to spend too much time with us.”

“No, it’s okay” I finally looked at him “It’s not like we were getting back together just because she finally decided to honour us with her presence at Christmas. Her life is back in London, and mine is here. We were in love once, but that’s history”

“Do you still…” he wanted to ask something, but then Daisy literally skipped into the kitchen where we were sitting and put down the grocery bags on the counter. She looked at us with a beaming smile and excitement written all over her fairy like face.

“Guess what?” She asked and tried to take Mason away from me, but he was too busy playing with my necklace to actually pay any attention to his mother “Y/N and I went grocery shopping today, and I told her all about our plans with the high school reunion” we looked at each other with Derek and back again to Daisy, who was now packing out of the bags and putting everything away “And I didn’t even have to ask if she would help us, because she offered her help. Isn’t it fantastic?”

“Yeah, it is” Derek groaned. The smile on m face was so big, it would have been impossible for me to hide it from Derek and Daisy, even if I wanted to. Honestly, I didn’t want to. Not anymore. I was enjoying life as it was. And if it meant that I had to spend more time with my first love, then let it be.

“Oh, and I invited her over for dinner and drinks” she quickly added, and before her husband could even understand what was happening, Daisy was out of the kitchen, running from the explosion of the bomb she just dropped at us.

***

I kept looking at the clock on the wall, wishing that the clock hands moved faster, because very single minute felt like a lifetime. Daisy was snickering at me behind the kitchen counter, and Derek was shooting warning glares at his wife to behave, even though he found my impatience rather funny just as well.

“Maybe I should go and buy something to drink” I started, but Daisy shook stopped me, telling me they have plenty of alcohol at home, and Y/N was most probably bringing a bottle of wine, maybe two. I wanted to do something, that could take my mind off of her. The last time she drank, she called me to meet her and we almost kissed for the first time after years. I was almost as nervous as I was, when we actually had out first kiss at the age of fifteen. That almost kiss hunted me ever since. It popped up in my mind in the middle of the day, when I was supposed to concentrate on my work, or when I was taking Willow for a walk in the park. But the worst was, when I got a flashback of it at night, when I was alone and I had nothing to do to occupy myself with. And those flashbacks ofter ended in with a dream, where I still had her, and I could kiss and touch her whenever, wherever and anyway I wanted. My dreams were so vivid, it felt like I could actually feel her perfume and touch, so every time she sneaked into my dreams, I woke up with a sweat covered body and a painful boner.

“You crazy people shouldn’t leave your door open” all three of us turned our heads to the kitchen entrance when we heard Y/N’s voice, and just seconds later she showed up right where we were looking.

“Well, it’s Epsom, not London” Daisy said and didn’t bother to go and greet her friend, she just went back slicing the kitchen breast for dinner “Did you bring it?”

“Yeah” Y/N walked in and placed a brown bag on the counter “I thought we were having dinner and a glass of wine. Why did I have to bring tequila?”

“Because my dear friend” Derek spoke up “Mason is with my parents tonight, and we’d like to celebrate that, and also you”

“Like I said, you two are crazy” she rolled her eyes and turned around. It was the moment when we finally locked eyes, and I got lost in hers in no time. My eyes scanned her face, searching for any kind of surprise or alarm, but her features were relaxed and a kind smile was playing on her lips. Damn, those lips.

“Hello, Tom” she came up to me and gave me a quick hug, before sitting down in front of me at the dining table. I looked over at her, thinking of the possibles outcomes of the night, but something caught my attention. Something, that made my heart skip a beat and my stomach drop. She had a ring. Not just any ring, but the one I gave her on out fourth anniversary. It was az elegant platinum ring with a princess cut emerald in the middle of it. She was still wearing it on her right forefinger. She kept the ring. Was she wearing it too the night she was at my place? Maybe. I did feel something cold, when I held her hand while I was teaching her the chords, but I thought she was just still cold. I would have sworn that she throw it away after we broke up.

“Alright, first round of vodka is coming right away” Derek sang and danced to the fridge to take out a bottle of vodka and replace it with the tequila Y/N brought with herself. God, maybe parenthood is not so fun after all “Any of you need something else to drink it or straight vodka is fine?”

“Are you being serious right now?” I asked and took away two shot glasses filled with vodka. I kept one to myself, and handed the other one to Y/N, who was looking at me with wide eyes, probably thinking about the same thing as I did. Why would we ruina perfect Russian vodka with something?

“Cheers to the master quartet” Daisy raised her glass and smiled widely at us. I looked at Y/N from the corner of my eyes, seeing if the old nickname for the four of us made her cringe or bothered, but she only laughed, winked at her best friend and drank the vodka in one take. I followed her action, my eyes never leaving her face.

After convincing Derek, that the night was still young, and we had a lot of time left to drink, all of us helped Daisy with the dinner. She loved to be the boss and tell us what to do, how to cut, how to season or how to put down the bottle of vodka and made sure the chicken didn’t get burned. The last one was for Derek, who kept taking sips from the bottle, and was a bit tipsy by the time we were finished and ready to sit down and eat.

“This is delicious” Derek said with his mouth full “But it would have been better with a little bit of vodka in it”

“Oh shut up” Daisy rolled her eyes playfully and stood up to grab a bottle of wine “So, before we all start to drink properly, why don’t we talk a little about the reunion party? I think we should agree on a few things, before we send out the inventions”

“Amazing idea” Derek said in excitement “I’m thinking about balloons, drinking games and fireworks. Maybe a DJ too, with dancers and…”

“Hold on” Y/N laughed next to me “I thought we are having a reunion party, not an opening party to a night club. I don’t think we need dancers”

“Ok, boomer” he rolled his eyes and poured another glass of wine for himself. I just shook my head at my tipsy friend, and turned my attention back to the two women, trying to actually be productive while they could.

“Do we have a place?” Y/N asked and looked at us, one by one. There it was, the familiar sparkle in her eyes. She always loved planning and organising these kind of events. She throw the best themed parties, when her parents were out of town, and she and her siblings had the whole huge house for themselves.

“Actually, I’m the one who’s in charge for that” I smiled “Derek gave me a few brochures, but neither of them was promising. But I do have a few ideas, and I’ll call some of my mates to see if they have any good recommendations”

“Amazing” Daisy chirped in “What about the decoration? It’s one of the most important things for a party. It helps to set the vibe for the evening, and I want our fellow classmates to always remember that night”

“I have a couple of ideas that might be good” Y/N stated “But we need a place before we can start with the decoration” she turned to me “If you need help with it, just let me know. Maybe we can go and check some of the places together” she shrugged with a smile on her face.

“Definitely” I smile was huge, it actually hurt my face, but I couldn’t help “I actually have a few ideas for the decoration too. We should discuss it, to make sure everything is perfect for Daisy”

“Hey!” She said in annoyance. We laughed at her and finished out meals in peace. I kept looking at Y/N when she talked or shifted in her seat. Her legs touched mine a couple of times out in accident, and I felt the urge to put my hand on her thigh and squeeze it. But every time I lost control over my actions for a bare second, and my left hand tried to reach her leg, I snapped back to reality and grabbed my glass instead.

“Okay, are we ready to party now?” Derek asked impatiently and stood up from the table, leaving the dishes right there and went to the living room with the remaining of vodka and tequila. The three of us looked at each other and followed him with snacks, lemon, salt, glasses and three other bottles of wine. This was going to be a fun night.

***

The wine bottles were all empty, and were long forgotten in the corner of their living room, where they were placed, to be kept safe from breaking. We were all sitting on the ground, around the coffee table, me next to Derek, and the girl opposite of us. All of us were rather tipsy, it was easy to tell from the glassy looks and rosy cheeks. I don’t know if it was the wine or it was actually hot in the room, but at one point, Y/N decided she was too hot and took of her sweater, so she was sitting only in her black skinny jeans and beige tank top which hugged her upper body tightly. Maybe I was being rude, but I didn’t bother to stop myself from checking her out. My eyes went down from her eyes to her lips, and followed the delicate line of her neck and finally stopped by her chest.

“Let’s play a game” Daisy announced and I had to tore my gaze away “Have you ever heard of Do or Drink?”

“The one with the cards?” Y/N asked. I think Derek had mentioned this game to me before.The ruled were pretty easy actually. Each card had a task you had to do, the black ones were easier, the red ones were pretty nasty. You either did what you were told to do, or you had to drink. “Let’s do this” she clapped her hands and poured another round of tequila for everyone.

“I’ll go first” Derek stated and pulled a card out of the deck “It says: spin around ten times then try to walk in a straight line or drink three time” he hesitated for a moment “Well, I don’t think I can walk in a straight line even without spinning, but let’s give it a try” he jumped up and because of the sudden movement and the alcohol, he almost fell back. Our laughter filled the living room as we watched him trying to spin for ten times then walk in a straight line. Of course he failed. The man was drunk as fuck, he had troubles just sitting on the ground.

“My turn, my turn” Daisy jumped up and down in her sitting state, and before we could protest, she was reading her task “Let the group go through your phone’s photo gallery for 60 seconds. Do this, take two shot, ot quit playing” she thought about it for a moment, but then stood up to pick up her phone from the kitchen “Well, my mama aunt’s raised no quiter, so there you go guys. The password is zero-two-two-seven”

I took her phone and sat back. Y/N scooted closer, so she could see the pictures two. I could care less about those pictures, when she was sitting so close to me, her body was brushing against mine, and her hand was resting on my thigh for support. Her hair was tickling my arm, and her breasts were pressed to my upper arm. A sudden wave of courage hit me, and I confidently moved my arm just enough to place it behind her, my hand resting on her hip. A smirk appeared on my lips when I felt her breath stuck in her throat for a second. Interesting.

“That was boring” Y/N said when the time was up. Daisy’s gallery only contained pictures of Mason, recipes and pictures of cute animals. Nothing naughty or scandalous, or at least funny. Just basic pictures “Alright, Tom, it’s your turn now” she leaned forward to grab a card for me, but that movement of hers made my hands slip lower and was now on her butt. Y/N jumped a little when I playfully slapped her bum a little, and for a second I thought she was going to scoot back next to Daisy, but she stayed by my side. I took the card from her and read it for them.

“Go shirtless for one round or finish your drink” I wasn’t shy at all, and everyone in the room saw me without a shirt before. Someone even completely naked, so it really wasn’t a hard task. I throw the card on the table and stood up to take off my shirt easier. I could feel Y/N eyes on my the whole time, so I made sure I took of my shirt painfully slowly, flexing my muscles. I looked down at her with a naughty grin on my face. She was looking up at me with huge eyes and her bottom lip between her teeth. She shamelessly checked my body out, before her beautiful eyes finally found mine again. When they did, she smirked as well “Like what you see, darling?”

“Can’t complain” she winked at me and poured a drink for everyone in the room. We all took it gladly and continued the game “I believe it’s my turn now” she eagerly said and choose a card “Sit on the last of the person to your left for the next round, or drink twice”

It took my a few seconds to realise I was the one on her left. Daisy and Derek were watching us with huge smiles on their faces, waiting for Y/N to decided. Sit or drink. For my delight, she chose the former and climbed into my lap. My arms automatically found their way around her waist to keep her in place, but I couldn’t stop herself from shifting in her seat, trying to find a more comfortable position. I rested my head on her shoulder and listened to Derek telling us how he lost his virginity. Next was Daisy again, who had to twerk upside down on the wall for twenty seconds, but I was more occupied with something else.

Y/N hands were wrapped around my neck, laced together at the back of my neck and she watched her friend trying to do a handstand and twerk at the same time. Her whole body was shaking from laughter, which made her wiggle on my lap. The tension, the alcohol, her scent, her skin on mine, and the way she looked me in the eye when she couldn’t look at her friend’s clumsiness anymore. All these things gave me a fucking boner, and she felt it too. Of course she did, her perfect little bum was pressed to my crotch. I bet she even felt how my dick twitched when she bit her lip and pushed for body against mine.

“Stop” I hissed, squeezing her hips to make her stop moving. It was a torture. I wanted nothing then to throw her over my shoulder and take her to the bedroom and make mad love with her. I was craving her, and she knew it. I could tell by the way she was looking at me, with a knowing grin of her lips and an insolent flame dancing in her eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, dear” she said innocently “Oh, looks like our times is up. I don’t have to sit on your lap anymore” and with that, she was back in her old place, opposite of me, next to Daisy who was now pouring shots to us again. I grabbed my shirt from the ground, and instead of putting it back on, I used it to cover up the evident bulge in my pants. That woman wasn’t playing clean with me.

I had a pretty easy, yet fun last. I had to ask another player a true or false question about myself. If they got it right, I had to drink. If they got it wrong, they had to drink. I chose Derek, just to mess with him a little but.

“Alright, mate” I looked at him. My words were a blur, and it was very difficult to concentrate “Easy question, you have to know the right answer to this” I put my hand on his shoulder for support “When is my birthday?”

“22nd August” he blurted out and I bursted out in laughter. He was so fucking drunk, he had no idea when my birthday was “Ha! Suck it up, you drink!”

“Nope, you drink” Y/N was already pouring the drink for him “Tom was born on 22nd September, not August” she laughed at Derek and handed him the glass. He didn’t complain and took the tequila happily.

“Seriously, fuck you” I shook my head and sat back down to my place. I watched as Daisy chose a card for Y/N and read it for us to hear.

“DM your last ex “I still love you” or quit playing” her voice was high and probably her brain hadn’t processed the words on the card, cause she looked very pleased with the task. I, on the other hand, wasn’t too happy. I didn’t want her to DM anyone, who wasn’t me. Y/N face fell and took a huge gulp on tequila straight from the bottle. Her eyes only left mine when she turned to Daisy to took away the card and place it back to the holder.

“I think it’s time to finish this game” she said with a small smile “So, where’s the guest room?”

***

Y/N and I were standing in the middle of the guest room, face to face, after Daisy told us we had to share the guest room, because Derek just threw up all over the coach in the living room. I would have lied if I said I was disappointed. I was more than happy when she said it was fine to share not just a room, but the bed too. For the first time, there wasn’t an awkward tension between us. It felt normal to stand there with her, watching her face looking up at me.

“I can sleep on the floor” I said out of blue. What the hell? Why would I say something like that, when I wanted nothing but to be in the same bed as her?

“Tom, it’s okay” she laughed and walked up to the bed, where her bag was “It’s not gonna be the first time we share a bed” she shrugged and grabbed her toothbrush “The only difference is that we’re not having sex, right?” She turned to look at me with a bright smile.

I had so many reasons why I crossed the room and walked up to her, putting my hand on her waist and pulling me closer. She dropped the things from her hand by my sudden actions and looked at me with wide, curious eyes. My whole body was on fire, and she was that ice cold glass of water which could have ease it. Her kiss could have give me the redemption I had been craving ever since that night. There was no need to blame the heat building up in my abdomen and my dick getting harder and harder second by second on the alcohol. It was all her. Y/N and her soft skin. Her eyes, which were filled with list. Her swollen lips from her constant lip biting. Her rose petal and lavender scent that filled up not just my nose, but my whole body. The scent that I could smell in my dreams too.

My lips were almost on her. She put one of her hands on my chest, and the other one on my nape. She was so close to me, I could feel her chest rising and sinking from her heavy breathing. I could almost taste her vanilla lip balm and the tequila. I was inhaling her breathes. It was it. I was finally kissing her again.

“I want to take a shower” she said and hurried out of the room. It was like a hallucination. One moment, she was right in front of me, with my hands on her and lips almost touching her, and in the other, she was nowhere to be seen.

“Fuck” I groaned and throw a pillow to the wall. I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. I wanted her so bad. I was intoxicated, and she was an antidote, but someone was keeping it away from me. But I wasn’t the type who easily gave up. I wanted to take this opportunity. I had to feel her again.

I was already in bed, when Y/N finally came back from the bathroom. She threw her clothes into her bag and climbed into bed next to me. I made sure there was enough space between us, after our second almost kiss. I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable. Even though we had slept in the same bed for thousands of times, it felt like this was our first time sharing a bed. A little bit awkward, a little but strange, but we were calm. It just felt right to lay there with her, listening as her breathing became slower and deeper, and she fell asleep. I was half asleep too, and didn’t had the energy to try to control my mind or my body anymore, so I rolled on my side and wrapped her body into a hug in our sleep. I took her right hand in mine and mindlessly played with the ring on her forefinger. I was almost asleep, when I felt her body shifting closer to me and intertwining our fingers in her sleep. I softly kissed into her neck, and held her even closer. I had to remind myself not to overthink or overanalyse the night. I would have ruined it for myself. So instead I just enjoyed having her in my arms, and fell asleep with a smile on my face and annoying butterflies flying in my stomach.


	8. She

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, but I was struggling with writer's block. Thank you so much for the feedback, it really helps me and motivates me to continue this story. A little warning: you might need a tissue after reading this chapter. Hope you like it! xx

I slowly opened my eyes when I felt a body pressed against mine from behind. It was hard to tell that the sudden sickness in my stomach was from the crazy amount of alcohol from last night, or those stupid butterflies decided to dance again. I didn’t have to turn around to see who was holding me close to his own body. Sadly or not, I remembered everything from last night and I was already hunted by the memories of me sitting in Tom’s lap and pressing my body against his just to feel every inch of him. I remembered the secret glances at each other and the heat rising onto my cheeks when my eyes locked with his electric blue ones filled with lust. I remembered how he took off his shirt, in a painfully slow way possible. I wanted to touch him, to feel his muscles and the softness of his skin. And when he was standing so close to me with his hands on my hips, for a moment I thought it was it. I was about to finally feel those perfect lips on mine. Even if just for a few minutes, I could have felt like eternity again. But I was a coward and instead of facing the situation and my feelings, I chose to run again and blame everything on the alcohol. 

“Y/N” I was suddenly wide awake when I heard Tom mumbling my name in his sleep. I waited a couple seconds, just to make sure he wasn’t awake and slowly turned around in his arms to face him. His features were relaxed, and he looked like nothing was bothering him in this world. His eyelids were trembling just the slightest. He was dreaming. I wondered where he was in his dreams. Was he somewhere beautiful? Was he there with someone who he loved? Was he happy in his dream? I smiled to myself when I saw Tom smiling in his sleep. I really hoped he was happy. If you truly love someone then the only thing you want for them is to be happy. Even if it’s not with you.

I watched him sleep. I tried to memorise the smallest details of his face. I wanted this, to be the last imagine of him in my mind. Peaceful and happy. I used to imagine waking up to this for the rest of my life. My days were always perfect when I went to bed with Tom, and woke up in his loving and protecting arms. I loved to fell asleep to the beautiful melody of his heartbeat, and the soothing sound of his slow breathing. He was my own nirvana. This man, deserved nothing but the best in this life. All the love, all the happiness. That’s why I had to leave. I wasn’t the one who could provide those to him. He suffered enough. I didn’t want to hurt him more. I couldn’t.

“I’m sorry” I whispered to Tom. My stomach shrunk when his lips curled up into a smile and hummed in his sleep when I gently stroked his cheek. Nothing, but the best for him. I carefully lifted his arm, so I could escape from his grip and put a pillow to the place I was previously laying. As quietly as possible, I picked up my belongings and sneaked out of the guest room, leaving a peacefully sleeping Tom in there. After all this time, he was still a part of me. I still felt my heart skipping a beat when someone mentioned his name. He always was the last thing on my mind before I went to sleep. Little things during my day reminded me of him. It killed me every day how I ended things and how I destroyed everything we had. I wanted to make it up for him. I could have tried to be the woman he deserved and gave in, let myself fall right back in love with him. How could I not? He was everything I have ever dreamed of. But it would have been cruel from me to lead him on. I wasn’t here for the long run. I was going back to London after the holidays. I had no other choice.

***

“You’re up early” Daisy greeted me when I entered the kitchen. She was already dressed, and she was sipping on her morning coffee “I’m looking at the photos and videos from last night. Want to see them?”

“Uh, no thanks” I shook my head “Why are you up already? You were never the type who could wake up early after a night of drinking”

“I have a video meeting in half an hour” she groaned and put down her phone “So, how was last night?”

“It was great” I smiled at her. The look on Daisy’s face told me she wasn’t implying to the drinking part, but more to the things that she thought that happened in the guest room. I sighed “Stop looking at me like that. Nothing happened between Tom and I”

“It didn’t seem like that to me” she grinned at me “Y/N, you two were all over each other last night. Do you really think I didn’t notice how he always found an excuse to touch you, or just to be near to you?”

“Okay, listen” my voice was stern “Whatever happened or almost happened was just a drunk mistake. We haven’t seen each other since the break up, so I think it’s pretty normal to have these kind of feelings now” I looked down at my feet “Daisy, I broke him once. I broke him, his heart and his trust. I do not want to hurt him again. If I let my heart to take control over my common sense and actions, I might hurt him again”

“Maybe you two should finally sit down and talk about your feelings” she took a step closer to me “You weren’t here. You literally ran back to London, so you didn’t have to face the reality after you broke up with him. Y/N, you weren’t there, when he called us in the middle of the night, shit faced drunk, and sobbing from heartache” every single word that left her mouth felt like a stab in my stomach “Derek and I, we were there and watched as he tried to move on and find someone. But let me tell you one thing” Daisy took my hand in hers “It was and still is impossible for Tom to find someone who is better than you. It will always be you, who he compares those girls to. They will never be as smart as you, as funny as you. They will never be able to love him like you did” she paused for a second “And I think you still do love him”

After all this time, I finally let myself cry. I forced myself to stop myself from it after I left him standing there, not knowing why I did what I just did. I thought I was strong enough to cope with the pain I caused both of us. I truly believed I was tough enough to ignore the huge whole in the middle of my chest, where my heart once was. I never dared to face the consequences of my actions after that day. But just because I tried to not see all of these things, didn’t mean I never thought of them.

“You don’t have to remind me how much of a bitch I was” I finally looked at her “Daisy, it was hard for me too. He had you guys, and I was alone. I had to cope with this shit on my own” I pulled my hand out of hers “I know that I hurt him, and it killed me. It still does, but do you think I could have made him happy from London? Do you think it would have been a healthy relationship?” My tears were blurring my vision ”He loves Epsom. He always did and always will. Tom sees his whole life right here. Do you think it would have been fair from me to ask him to leave his life and plans behind and follow me somewhere he doesn’t belong to?”

“Y/N, I…” she tried to reason my but I cut her off. I was tired of playing that my past, our past was perfect.

“I loved him too much for that” I choked on my tears “So I chose to break my own heart and set him free. Tom deserves nothing but the best” I swallowed hard “You have to understand, it was never my intention to hurt him in the first place. But it would have hurt him even more to be in a long distance relationship. I had no choice but to do it” I wiped away the tears from my face “I was terrified to come back to Epsom. I almost didn’t come, because I knew for sure that I had to face everything that I had left behind. I wasn’t ready. Even after all these years Daisy, I still blame myself for everything” I was disgusted by myself “I had this plan, that I come back and never leave the house, so I don’t have to see anybody who I used to be close to. But the minute I entered my house, he was right there like he belonged there with my family. In that very second, all the memories and feelingscame back and crushed my like an avalanche. I tried to avoid him, but it was impossible. I just couldn’t. And now, I’m ruining everything again and hurting him” I said “I have to stop before it’s too late. I can’t hurt him again, so it would be the best if I just stopped spending time with him” I grabbed my coat from the back of the chair and put it on “I’m really sorry, Daisy. I’d love to see you and Derek again, but you have to understand, that Tom and I will never ever getting back together. His life is here, mine is in London. We both deserve to live the life we always wanted”

“So you’re just going to run away from your feelings and pretend that the last couple of days never happened?” Daisy’s voice was filled with pain and disappointment. If I were her, I would have wanted my two best friends who once were inseparable and crazily in love to find their way back to each other. I would have been disappointed to in me too.

“Well, I’m quite good at it” I shrugged “I really hope that one day all of you will understand why I had to go on my own way and leave everything and everyone behind.”

***

It hurts when you are going through something that kills you inside, but you have to act like it doesn’t affect you at all. I acted like the last couple of days meant nothing and whatever happened between Tom and I wasn’t a big deal, when in reality it was breaking my heart. I was sad, hurt, angry, mad and disappointed at the same time, but I knew I had to put on a smile and move on. Again. I wanted to run. I wanted to pack my things and run back to London to hide from everything and everyone. Just like I did years ago. But no matter how far I would have ran, I knew I couldn’t leave my feelings and thoughts behind. I would have been alone with them again. And being alone with your feelings is the worst because you have nowhere to run. They’re there, dancing in your mind and all you can do is handle. But I was breaking my own heart, holding onto something that wasn’t supposed to happen in the first place. I was breaking him too and I hated myself for it.

The saddest end to a relationship is when you have to break up with someone when you’re still in love with them. It sounds bizarre, but it happens, because the truth is, as powerful and as thrilling and as wonderful as it may be, love isn’t always enough and to be in love doesn’t always mean a happily ever after. And you can continue to love someone after that, because maybe you two will meet again, when both of you are slightly older and your minds are less hectic, and you’ll be right for them and they’ll be right for you.

“Oh, hey sister” April looked up from the huge piles of papers on the table when I walked into the dining room “Where have you been?”

“At the Pitt’s” I said and grabbed an apple from the fruit basked “Daisy had this crazy idea about a high school reunion, and the four of us ended up at their place having dinner and drinking” I shuddered at the bare memory of straight vodka “A lot”

“The four of you?” She asked me and put away the file she was previously reading “Do you mean Daisy, Derek, you and Tom?”

“Maybe” I rolled my eyes and sat down in front of her “I don’t really want to talk about it. One wigging about me being a bitch and hurting people was more than enough to my poorand hangover head”

“Don’t worry, it’s Damian’s job to be your moral compass” she laughed “But are you okay? You look like you’ve been crying”

“Yeah, I’m fine” I shrugged “Anyways, do you mind if I pick up the twins from school? I really want to spend some time with my nieces, and as far as I know, today’s their last day at school before Christmas break”

“Oh I’d be happy if you could. I’m a bit behind with all this paperwork and I want to finish it today” she groaned and looked at the papers in front of her “Maybe I should have chosen something more exciting than accounting” April looked up at me “You should take my car. I guess you don’t have child seat in your car”

“Good idea” I winked at her and stood up “What time should I pick them up?”

“At 2” she said “Keys in my bag. Maybe you should take a quick nap before you pick them up. I’m pretty sure Shelby and Holly will go crazy when they see you”

I nodded and made my way out of the dining room, but April stopped me. I turned around when she called after me and looked at her questioningly. I groaned to myself when I saw her chewing on her bottom lip, probably trying to figure out how to draw up her thoughts to me.

“Y/N, look, I know you don’t want to talk about this” she started “But I just want you to know, I’m always here if you feel the need to rent about your feelings and thoughts. I’m a great listener, and who knows, maybe I can give you a few good advice” April smiled at me softly “Tom was your first love and first serious relationship. I can only imagine how hard it must be to you to see him again and be around him. Even though you were the one who ended the relationship”

“Thanks. I really appreciate it” I went up to her and kissed the top of her head “You’re a great sister and an even better mom. The twins are very lucky to have a mother like you”

“I love you” she said and for the second time today, I cried.

***

I was sitting in April’s car, waiting for the school gates to be open so I can pick up the girls from school. I hardly spent any time with them lately, and I felt like the worst aunt in the whole world. Those little bundles of joy were the sunshine in my usually dark and cloudy days. They were always happy and smiley, usually talking about their big dreams or how great they were at school. It was uplifting having them around me, they never failed to put turn my grown upside. My plan was to take them to our favourite café and have hot chocolate with peppermint and marshmallows, and after that, I wanted to take them to the park and play in the snow with them.

“Auntie” Shelby screamed and ran up to me with Holly closely following her “Mommy didn’t tell me you were coming to pick us up”

“Hey girls” I squatted down and kissed their foreheads “Mommy is a bit behind with her paperwork, so I thought it’d be a nice opportunity to spend some quality time with my favourite nieces” I adjusted their scarves and took away their backpacks “So, how does hot chocolate sound?”

Shelby and Holly happily skipped in front of me to their mother’s car and climbed into their seats in the back. I made sure their belt were buckled in and listened to how their last day of school went. I smiled to myself. I was lucky to be the aunt to those little girls. They were really special, and I was very much whipped for them.

“Can I have chocolate cake too?” Holly asked me when we were in the café. They insisted to have their own menu and show me their reading skills. April and Elliot did a very good job educating them at home too. They were far more clever than most kids at their age, and I was proud of them.

“Only if you don’t tell your Mom” I winked at her and looked for the waiter to give him our orders. I was making sure Holly didn’t ask for something which had coffee or alcohol in it, when Shelby excitedly waved at someone behind me.

“Uncle Tom” the smile on her face was almost bigger than her head “Hello, Uncle Tom!”

Just my luck. Not exactly five hours ago I decided to never see him again to save us from another heartbreak, and here he was, at the very same café as us and walking towards our table with a bright smile and twinkle in his eyes. Great.

“Hey girls” Tom greeted them with a huge hug. Shelby and Holly were hanging on him like little monkeys on their mother and kissed his cheeks from both sides “How are you my darlings?”

“Amazing” Holly sang “Auntie Y/N picked us up from school and we’re gonna spend the whole afternoon together” she explained happily “We can have everything we want as long as we don’t tell Mama”

“Isn’t she the best auntie ever?” Tom looked at me, his smile never leaving his lips “Hey, Y/N. How are you?”

“Hi” I forced a smile “Doing alright, thanks. How about you?” I tried to be nice and polite, but truth is, I felt rather uncomfortable in the situation.

“Marvellous. I had an amazing time last night” he winked at me and stood up, helping the twins to sit back on their chairs. I looked away, playing with the ends of my hear nervously. What have I done to be punished with situations like this? “How was your night? Did you sleep well?”

“You know, I found it funny how many things you can blame on the alcohol” I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself saying something rude. I had no idea why I was so hostile with him “But it was quite good”

“What do…” he started, but was immediately interrupted by Shelby, who was begging to him to join us for a hot chocolate. Tom looked hesitant, but when he saw the girls puppy dog eyes and pouts, he couldn’t say no to them and sat down next to me “So, what are the plans for today?”

I kept staring at the wall behind Holly, who was sitting in front of me and was happily fishing out the mini marshmallows from her drink. They girls were over the moon when Tom agreed on joining us for our little family programme, and I couldn’t bring myself saying no to them either. Their happiness was more important to me than anything in this world, and if it meant I had to spend the rest of my day with the boy who I used to date, I was willing to do it.

I watched them as they told everything about their week to Tom, and what plans they had for Christmas break. It was amusing to see how he never failed to ask them more questions and act like he was truly excited about the things he just heard. He was always amazing with kids. I saw him playing with his cousins and later with his first nephew. I was sure Tom was going to be the best father one day. Funny, how this little scene was exactly like the one I used to imagine when we were still together. Only with our kids. We liked to talk about our future together, how we wanted at least two kids, because both of us grew up in a big and always noisy household. We had the whole things planned out and even named our future kids. It felt like a faded memory now. A bittersweet memory from the happy and easy days. I wondered if we would have been parents by now if I didn’t ruin everything for us. If Epsom was enough for me and I decided to stay here, instead of moving to London.

“What do you think?” I don’t know if it was Tom’s voice that snapped me out of the deepest parts of my mind or his hand resting on my thigh and squeezing it gently, but I was so surprised, I almost knocked over my hot chocolate.

“Sorry” I mumbled “What were you guys talking about? I zoned out a bit” I chuckled nervously and played with my spoon.

“Shelby and Holly would like to go to the cinema because Frozen is premiering this afternoon” I looked at the girls, who were already looking at me with their adorable chubby faces. God, they really had me wrapped around their little fingers “And I kind of promised them weeks ago that I’ll bring them”

“Please, Y/N” Holly and Shelby said at the same time “We’ll be good and don’t tell Mommy and Daddy that you bought us chocolate cake”

“Oh please” I scoffed “I’m not afraid of your mother” I playfully rolled my eyes “Alright, I guess we can play in the snow after the film”

***

Do you know the feeling when time is going painfully slow and unbelievably fast at the same time? Well, it was true about our afternoon. And every single minute was sweet and killed me at the same time. I was a torture sitting next to Tom in the cinema and feeling his body heat in the dark cinema. The urge to lean to him and rest my head on his shoulder was unbearable, and the fact, that he touched my hand on the armrest or rested his hand on my thigh just for a minute or two, didn’t help my situation at all. I was so determined about my decision from earlier, but it felt like it was nothing at all. I craved for his touch and kiss. It was an endless bottle in me, between my heart and my mind. Kiss him finally or ignore his burning gaze? Let him touch me or tell him to erase me from his memory? Love him or leave him?

“I had fun” he turned to me after we put the two sleeping angels in the car. After watching that cartoon, we took them to the park and let them run around in the snow, we built a snowman that looked nothing like Olaf but the girls loved it. We took pictures as we were making snow angles and even played a few rounds of snowball fight. So when it was finally time to go home, they were too tired to walk, we had to pick them up and they immediately fall asleep in our arms “They are amazing”

“Yeah, they are” I smiled to myself. I was filled with happiness and energy from the endless laughter and smiles from the girls.

“So are you” Tom crossed the distance between us and put one hand on my waist, and he tucked my hair behind my ear with the other “I missed you this morning. You were nowhere to be find when I woke up”

I felt my stomach drop and my throat tightened. I looked up at his face finally. The whole afternoon, I tried to avoid the eye contact with him, but I couldn’t anymore. His cheeks and nose was rosy from the cold winter weather, and his blue eyes looked even more blue somehow. He kept his hand on my cheek and gently caressed my skin with his thumb while I slowly lost myself in his gaze. I felt the warm feeling in my heart slowly growing and covering my whole chest and body.

“I was wondering if…” Tom started, but I quickly stopped him. I couldn’t let this whole thing go on for any longer. We were already both hurting. I put my hand on his, which was still resting on my cheek and squeezed it gently.

“Tom, no” I shook my head and pulled away his hand “Listen, whatever happened or almost happened between us, was clearly a mistake. I think it would be the best if we just kept our distance from each other and live our life as we did before I came back”

“I don’t understand” he looked away. Pain was written all over his face and he pressed his lips together in a thin line “What do you mean it was a mistake? Y/N, don’t tell me you felt nothing” he tried to grab my hand but I took a step away from him “Why?”

“Because it was a mistake, Tom” I shook my head “We were never meant to spend any time together in the first place. That’s not why I came back” I looked down at my feet. I couldn’t face him and see the same pain I saw when I left him years ago. I couldn’t do it again “We’re not the same people anymore. You and I grow up and changed a lot. You don’t know this version or me, and I don’t know you anymore”

“Than let me know you all over again” he begged to me. I was fighting back my tears. I had to stay strong now. I could cry and feel sorry for my selfish ass later, but not now. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and tried to gather all my leftover power in me to completely destroy everything. I knew I was about to kill both of us, tear our heart out of our chest, throw it on the ground and jump on it until it’s flat and lifeless.

“I don’t want to” I switched off my emotions. My whole face was empty, not a single emotion showing “You are just somebody that I used to know and I want it to stay that way. I have my life in London, and I’m happy there. I’m not going to give up everything I worked so hard for” I swallowed “I fucked up, Tom. And where I fucked up is probably where a lot of us fuck up. I waited. I waited for you to come around. I waited to see if things would get better. I waited to see if you become the man I imagined you becoming. All this fucking waiting, and before I knew, a bunch of years had passed me by, and I was still doing the same old shit. Waiting.”

I lied. Of course I did. I never had to wait for him to be the man I imagined, because he was already it and even more. He loved me more than I wanted or deserved. He was everything for me. He was gentle, passionate, ambitious, smart and funny. He wasn’t just my boyfriend, my love. He was my best friend and my confidential. But if I told him how I truly felt, I couldn’t have end this madness. I had to lie. I had to hurt him. He had to hate me. Despise me.

“Y/N, wait” Tom called after me when I opened the car door and was ready to get in and drive away. Away from him, out of his life for the last time. I didn’t want to stay and listen to him. I was so close to confess all my insecurities, all my feelings to him and kiss him. I had to be away from him.

“I should have said goodbye instead of hello when I saw you in our kitchen that night” I shook my head and quickly got in the car. I stepped on the gas pedal and tried to hold back my tears until we got home. I was breaking, but I deserved all the pain. Maybe, after this, Tom will be able to finally find someone who isn’t as selfish as I was. It was our closure. It was the real end of our story.


	9. He

It hurts when you realise you aren’t as important to someone as you thought you were. I watched as she drove away, never looking back at me again. I had to remind myself that it’s okay if you thought you were over it, but it hits you all over again. It’s okay to fall apart even after you thought you had it under control. Truth is, I wanted Y/N to be the one. God damn, I really did. It actually amazed me how she could drop me out of her life again, like I never existed in the first place. Deep down I knew. I knew oh to well that she was going to break my heart, but a part - the foolish, enamoured, naiv part of me hoped that she wouldn’t. I secretly hoped and wished for her to stay here with me, and give us another chance. I broke my own heart by making myself believe in something that was actually impossible. What hurt me the most is that she left, like I was never a reason to stay. It may have been easy for her to walk away - again. But it wasn’t easy for me to watch it - again. I gave her the best of me. I gave her time, love, honesty, trust. Those were things that I didn’t handout freely. I gave a shit about her, but I guess she could have care less about me. And it hurt that she walked away. It hurt. I was still in shock of how she could have left so abruptly, but I guess something you don’t get any closure. You don’t get a reason why. You just get a broken heart and a bunch of memories that sting. And it hurt even more that I had to let her go forever, and my whole body still burned for her. Y/N didn’t miss me. Not even a little bit. She was happy with her life in London. I should remember that. I should have fucking remembered that, but I just wanted to fucking forget about her and ease the pain she left behind.

“Fuck” I groaned and kicked in the air, like I wanted to kick myself for being such an idiot. Maybe this was the right time to finally get my shit together and move the fuck on because it was clear as the sky that the woman who held my heart in her hands for almost ten years, didn’t give a flying shit about me or my feelings.

***

“Don’t you think you had enough?” Derek asked me with a worried voice and watched me as I ordered another bottle of whiskey. Whiskey was good. It burned my throat almost as much as the fucking pain ate me alive from the inside. I looked at his blurry figure in front of me and put my hand sloppily on his shoulder.

“No” I said simply and throw some money on the top of the bar “We’re celebrating, my friend” I announced. We had been in the bar for almost two hours, and I yet had to tell him why I asked him to meet me immediately. I wanted to be drunk. No, I had to be drunk before I told him he was right. Again. Derek told me not to get my hopes up, and don’t let the old feelings effect my words and actions, but of course I didn’t listen to him. He told me I was going to get my heart broken again, and he was damn right.

“What exactly are we celebrating?” He followed me to an empty box and sat down opposite of me. Poor boy had absolutely no idea why I was acting like that. When he saw me, I was smiling like a maniac, because I forget what was the normal way to react to that kind of pain.

“I’m getting a girlfriend tonight” I lifted my glass to the air like I was giving a toast “Tonight, your old friend, the godfather of your son, your biggest supporter is going to get laid and find a girlfriend”

Derek spit out his drink and looked at me with wide eyes. It was pathetic, even from me, to wait this long. I did my waiting. Seven whole years. I waited for way too long for her to come around and realise we were meant to be. It was time to move on and forget about her.

“Perhaps I heard you wrong” he wiped his mouth his the back of his hand “But did you just said what I think you said?”

“Yes” I nodded and took a big sip of my whiskey “Do you think I can’t get myself a girl? I’m not that bad of a guy” I laughed and refilled my glass.

“What about Y/N?” Derek asked. He looked a bit disappointed “I thought you guys were slowly finding your ways back to each other” he cleared his throat “I mean, last night you two were acting like you used to when we were younger. All over each other, it was actually quite disgusting to see that fucking lovesick look on your faces when you two looked at each other”

The flashback from last night, when she was sitting in my lap with her arms sneaked around my neck and burying her pretty face in my neck while we all laughed at something stupid Derek had said burnt my heart. I could still smell her perfume in my nose, which made my situation even worse.

“That was just a drunk mistake” I used Y/N’s words, but those words leaving my mouth left a terrible aftertaste. An aftertaste, which I tried to wash away with alcohol “C’mon, man! We all know she’s not gonna stay in Epsom” I shrugged “It was good to have her around, but we’re not the same anymore”

“I doubt that” he rolled his eyes and finished his drink “Tom, I know you better than that. You’re not the type of person who just picks up a chick from a bar and take her home”

“Maybe it’s time for a little change in my life” I said and my eyes were already scanning the bar, looking for a girl who made my heart skip a beat and my whole body warm up. I wanted that love at first sight kind of love, but the last sober braincells in my head knew that I was way too drunk to actually separate love and lust. I desperately wanted to ease my pain, and I was more than willing to choose a nice looking lady and swoon her off of her feet.

“Something inside you is hurting you, that’s why you need cigarettes and whiskey and music so fucking loud can’t think” fuck he was right. But what was I supposed to do? Go after her and beg her to give us another chance? Tell her to give up everything that she had worked so damn hard for and move back here so I can finally marry her like I wanted? I might have been a fucking fool for still be in love with someone who was clearly over me and had no feeling towards me, but I wasn’t selfish. I would have never made her choose between herself and me, and ask her to give up a part of her to make me happy.

“What hurts is that we never really said goodbye” I spit “We just kind of ended” I said with disgust “You know what fucking hurts, Derek? Seeing what you have with Daisy and thinking it could be me and Y/N. I’m so fucking happy for the two of you, but it’s real pain sometimes to see that you have all those things that I’ve been wishing for for so long”

“Tom” Derek tried to say something but I shook my head. I didn’t want him to apologise for being happy and actually having the guts to fight for the woman of his dreams. I should have done the same, but I thought I was able to move on and find someone who shared my dreams “You’ll be okay”

“I know I’ll be okay and that eventually everything will work out” I played with the bottle cap of the whiskey “I know that what’s meant for me will happen. I know…but I just need a minute or two to pull myself together, because sometimes the shit life throws at me gets heavy. That’s all”

Derek looked at me for long minutes, trying to figure out how to respond or what to think about the whole situation. I must have been hard for him to remain impartial, Y/N and I both being his childhood friends. I would have never asked him, nor Daisy to choose a side in our own battle of feelings. They had their own life together, and had to take care of a little boy. The last they needed is two grown ass adult acting like immature teenagers.

“Next bottle is on me” he finally said after minutes of silence and stood up from our table to go and buy another bottle of drink for us. My eyes followed him and watched as he waved to the bartender to order, and while he was too busy figuring out what kind of alcohol to buy, I quickly fished my phone out of my pocket and unlocked it.

My gallery was still open and the smiling faces of the four of us looked right at me. We were laying in the snow, Shelby and Holly between us. Our cheeks and noses were red from the cold, and our eyes were shining from happiness. We took this picture right after the twins convinces us to make snow angels. Just a couple of hours ago, everything seemed like a dream come true. We were bonding and having the time of our lives with the twins, and now, everything was a nightmare. All those moments felt like they happened ages ago. Maybe I wasn’t that strong as I thought. Maybe I was a fucking simp for her. Maybe the alcohol didn’t help me to forget about her. Maybe it only amplified the missing feeling in me. And maybe, alcohol really made you things that you were going to regret later. Thinking that I had nothing to loose, I opened my messages and clicked on the last conversation and typed.

**To: Y/N Y/L/N**

**Message: I fucking miss you.**

**Message: All day**

**Message: Every day**

**Message: And you can’t even imagine how pathetic it makes me feel because I don’t even know if you miss me back**

I quickly put my phone away when Derek slid back into our booth and placed a bottle of vodka in the middle of the table. He opened it and filled the shot glass fully. That one and a half bottle of whiskey made its magic, and made my mind blurry. I didn’t know anymore what was wrong and right. I just wanted that burning feeling my my throat and warm feeling in my stomach, which made me forget about her even if just for a couple of minutes. I wanted that unsteadiness, which was more bearable than the pain I felt before I started pouring straight alcohol into my mouth. I wanted everything that helped me to not think or feel at all.

“Listen here” Derek cleared his throat to catch my attention “I can only imagine the pain you’re feeling right now” he began “But I want you to know, I’m here and I’m going to help you to get your shit together again. I’m not saying I completely agree with your coping method, but you do you. If you want to fuck a different girl every night just to ease your pain, do it. If you want to get high or drunk to forget all about this for a few hours, just call me and I’ll be there” Derek played with his ring as he watched me carefully “I’ll always will be there for you, buddy”

“I fucking love you, you filthy twat” I laughed and leaned over the table to hug him. We were never the soppy kind of friends, but we knew when the other needed to say they were loved and when they were in a need of a hug. And right now, I needed both. Derek was always by my side no matter what. We grew up together, get our scars at the same playground, and went to school together all our lives.

“Alright, enough of this sickening behaviour” he laughed with me “I want to throw up because of the alcohol, and not from this romantic shit” he rolled his eyes and clicked his glass with mine before he drank it in one take. I followed him, and throw back my drink just as fast “I need to take a piss” he announced and left me there. Before I could think of my next move, my phone was already in my hands again, checking if Y/N saw my messages. All of them were delivered and seen, but there was no response.

**To: Y/N Y/L/N**

**Message: Are you up?**

Delivered. Seen. She was fucking reading my messages and never had the intention to answer me. Why was she reading my texts immediately? Why was she on her fucking phone and not texting me back?

**To: Y/N Y/L/N**

**Message: You know what?**

**Message: It actually fucking kills me when we don’t talk**

**Message: It kills me when you ignore me**

**Message: It kills me when you’re happy without me**

“What are you doing?” Derek’s voice scared me to death and I almost dropped my phone. I could quickly lock it before he could see who I was texting too, and put my phone away. I shook my head and grabbed the bottle to pour ourselves another round of shot. I wasn’t thinking straight, and yet, all I could think about was her skin on my skin.

“Nothing” I said. I was looking around the room, watching as groups after groups arrived to celebrate another Friday, and the end of a week filled with work. I was scanning the bar, seeing if any of my friends were there, when my eyes got locked with a pair of brown eyes. The woman by the bar looked familiar, but I couldn’t recall why or from where. I wouldn’t say she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, but she was quite pretty and I was drunk. She was staring at me shamelessly, with her finger twirling a strand of hair. Maybe she could be it. I winked at her, which made her smile at me brightly. Nice smile.

“Hey, I’ll be right back” I said and quickly poured myself another shot and drank it “I just need a cig” Derek nodded and went back to his phone, probably texting Daisy that he was okay and not too drunk at all.

I picked up the box of cigarette from the table and made my way out of the bar. The cold air hit my face, and I was glad I was out of the noisy and hot room. I really needed to get some fresh air, and my body was aching for a bit of nicotine. A terrible habit, but it was really hard to quit, especially when it was one of the few things that could actually calm my nerves and thoughts down. I leaned to the wall and lit the cigarette, inhaling it deeply and enjoying and hating at the same time how the nicotine flew down to my lungs and how it left a terrible aftertaste in my mouth after I blew it out. I repeated it a few more times, and when I thought I was collected enough, I grabbed my phone and pressed the dial bottom under Y/N’s name. I had no idea what I wanted to say to her. Or if I actually wanted to say anything to her in the first place. Maybe I was just curious to see if she would pick up if I was calling her. Maybe I just needed to hear her voice. She didn’t answer my call. So I dialed her number again, and when she didn’t answer, I called her again. I continued trying until I felt the cigarette almost burning my mouth. I threw it away and put another in my mouth and lit it. How many more chances I had until she decided to block my number? I wanted to figure out, but when I almost called her again, someone tapped on my shoulder.

“Hey there” a soft voice said from behind me. I turned around and found myself face to face with the same girl who was checking me out earlier “I hope I didn’t interrupt any important phone call”

“No, I was calling a…friend, but I guess they’re already asleep” I smiled at her and put my phone away. I had the chance to take a better look at her from closer. She was wearing a bit much of makeup for my liking, but she was actually pretty. Her brown eyes were so dark, they were almost black, and her wavy, black hair was crowning her head. The mysterious girl was wearing a light green dress and black thigh hight boots, with a black fur coat. She was almost as tall as me, and she wasn’t even wearing heels.

“Oh, I’m relieved” she sighed playfully. Her words were blurry as well and her bold actions told me she was drunk too “I was afraid that pretty boy from the booth was actually calling his girlfriend”

I forced a smile on my face. I really wished I was calling my girlfriend, but the girl I wanted had nothing to do with me and was probably already planning to run back to her one and only love, to London.

“Nope, I’m single” she took a step closer to me and leaned to the wall just as well “By the way, my name’s Tom…”

“Felton, I know” she giggle and played with the end of her hair “We went to the same high school together. You probably don’t remember me, because you were a senior when I was only a freshman there”

“Oh, really?” Was I supposed to tell her the reason why I didn’t remember her was actually because I only had eyes for one girl only, and didn’t care any other girl around me? “What a shame I don’t remember such a pretty face, right?”

“Well, I hope you’ll remember me after this conversation” she winked at me and took another step closer. Her strong perfumes sneaked into my nostrils, and she was so close to me, I could smell the hairspray on her hair just as well “I’m Chloe”

“It’s nice to properly meet you, Chloe” I took Chloe’s hand and kissed it softly. She giggle by my actions and blushed like a little girl who was asked on a date for the first time.

“The pleasure’s all mine, Tom” Chloe put her hands on my chest and played with the bottoms on my coat “So, it might be a little too forward, but I think I have the best idea how to make you remember me this time”

“You do?” I sneaked my hands around her and pulled her body even closer to mine “Why don’t you tell me more about that perfect little idea of yours?”

Chloe didn’t play around or hesitate, she closed the tiny distance between us in a second and kissed me. I was taken back at first, but soon, I found myself kissing her back and pushing her to the wall behind us. With one hand on her hips, and with the other resting next to her head on the wall, I deepened the kiss and let her tongue exploring my mouth.

“My flat it empty” she whispered between kisses on my neck “My flatmate is home for Christmas, so we can have the whole place just for us”

“Let me grab my stuff real quick” I smiled at her and rushed back to the bar. Derek was chatting with his coworkers, and cheered when he finally saw me. I pulled him away from the group and quickly explained to him what I was going to do.

“You go boy” he patted me on the back and went back to his other friends to finish one of his stories. I ran a hand through my face and tried to think straight. I was having second thoughts about the whole Chloe thing. I didn’t know if it was a good idea to go home with a girl who I had just met, but at the same time I was way too drunk to think about morals and I was a man with needs. And Chloe was a pretty girl who was literally throwing herself on me. And who knew, maybe I could forget about Chloe, and even Y/N after this night.

“Here’s our taxi” Chloe said and took my hand in hers. I opened the door for her, but instead of joining her in the backseat, I chose to sit at the passenger seat. She looked a little annoyed, but she just grabbed her phone and looked through her gallery. I grabbed my phone as well and sent one last text. It was time to end this madness.

**To: Y/N Y/L/N**

**Message: We can ignore each other, try to pretend the other person doesn’t exist, but deep down, we both know it wasn’t supposed to end like this.**


	10. She

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tissues required! xx

* * *

It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to slide down a wall in tears at three in the morning aching and screaming. If you want to sit on your bedroom floor with your head buried in your knees, tears spilling out of your eyes and filling the room to your waist, do it. It doesn’t make you weak. No matter how strong someone is, we all have a breaking point. I tried to pretend I didn’t care, but I did. I reached that point, when I had to learn to be completely heartless, to protect not just myself, but him too. Pretending was easy, but dangerous. I acted like I was fine. I acted like my whole life was together, but they didn’t know how many times I found myself questioning my own life choices. I acted like I didn’t care I was single, but what they had no idea about is the envious looks and aching heart when I saw a happy couple walking hand in hand in front of me. I acted like I wasn’t lonely, so they would stop bothering me with their questions. I acted like I was over him, but every single night I found myself imagining his arms around me and his laughter in my ears. I pretended for so long, being somebody else, that I actually forgot who I really was. But sometimes the only think you could do is smile. Move on with your day, hold back the tears and pretend that you were okay.

Reading his texts last night and watching my phone vibrating on my pillow actually broke my already shattered heart. I wanted to reply. I wanted to ask him where he was and if he needed me to go and pick him up. But I was the one to blame. I was the reason of my heartache and tears on my cheeks. I ruined it, so I could save him from a miserable life. Honest feelings and bad timing make the most painful combination. How could we be so cursed, that we never had the chance to be the right person to each other at the right time? Why did it have to be so bloody complicated? Tom was constantly on my mind, never giving me a free moment to think about something else. He was all I heard in my head. His contagious laughter as he told me one of his terrible jokes. His soft voice singing me to sleep. His arms around me, while he held me close to his body in his sleep. His beautiful eyes and how they shone when he was talking about something that made him happy. I wanted to hear his laughter again. I wanted to laugh at his jokes. I wanted to be the reason of his bright smile and the reason behind the shining in his eyes. We often want it so badly that we ruin it before it begins. Overthinking. Fantasising. Imagining. Expecting. Worrying. Doubting. But I had no choice. Even though I wanted nothing more than him to be happy, I still had to be the bad guy and pretend like I was only playing with his feelings. In that case, he could hate me for a reason and move on. Just like I had to move on too.

***

“Hello birthday boy” I babbled to Ashton and took him away from my brother. It was his second birthday, and the whole family was busy with making his day special. My mum was in the kitchen the whole morning, cooking and baking, while Damian and I put up the decoration in the living room. Gabby was in charge for the cake, and we told her to stay at home and rest a little bit after she bought it. She deserved a little me-time after spending every hour of her day looking after my brother and nephew “How’s my big boy?”

“Auntie” he giggled as I blew raspberries on his chubby cheeks. His cute baby laughter warmed my heart and put the biggest smile on my face. I wanted one on my own one day. I couldn’t wait to have a mini version of my partner or me running around the house, making a mess then later on trying to soften me with their adorable baby voices and unconditional love. I envied them. They had no worries about this world. They didn’t know how cruel it could be. Babies didn’t have to deal with decisions or heartbreak. They just wanted to share the endless amount of love they had in their tiny bodies.

“Are you okay?” Damian asked me with a worry in his voice. Of course I wasn’t okay. I barely slept last night, because the constant buzzing of my phone and my thoughts kept me awake. Every time I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, my mind brought back the memories from that night. I still felt his arms around my waist and his lips on my shoulder. My body was missing his touch and my soul was missing its mate “You look tired”

I knew exactly how badly I looked. My eyes were red from crying and the ridiculous amount of sleep I got last night, and the dark circles looked even more dark on my pale skin. I woke up with absolutely no intentions of looking like a human being. I just wanted to survive the remaining last couple of days and then run back to London and disappear for another year in my own sorrow. I was pathetic. I tried to be the victim, but I had no right to. I was the one who made the same stupid mistake again and chose to run, instead of growing a pair and facing reality.

“Yeah” I said with no emotion and looked down at Ashton. His chubby cheeks were playing with my ring on my forefinger, twirling it around and touching the gem in the middle of it. The ring. I could never force myself to take it off. It was attached to me. It made me feel safe. Every time I was anxious or nervous, I looked at it and I relaxed. It was my reminder that everything shall pass, and I can survive even the worst things in life. It was my lucky charm, and a reminder that true love really existed and it wasn’t just a made up experience from a fairy tale. 

“What happened between you two?” I could feel his eyes on my face, but I didn’t dare to look up at him. I was an open book to him, he didn’t even have to look me in the eye to tell something was wrong, he just knew “Y/N?”

“I was a bitch” I sighed and put down Ashton. I ran my fingers through my messy hair and finally found the courage to look at my brother. Damian was looking at me with worry and symphaty. My sight became blurry from the tears forming in my eyes, threatening to spill out in any second “I should have never come back, Dame. I hurt him real bad” I shook my head to get the tears out “I let him believe we could be something again” my words were slipping through my lips, and I couldn’t stop them anymore. I had to talk about it with someone who really knew me and could help “I didn’t mean to. It was not my intention to lead him on and left him there with a broken heart, but I couldn’t help. All those feelings came back and hit me straight in the face. I never had the chance to fully recover from the break up, probably because deep inside I hoped this whole time that one day we’ll find each other again and realise how much we really mean to each other and we belong together” I sat down and hid my face in my palms “I thought I was strong enough to stop the feelings, but seeing him again, in my childhood home messed up everything in me. I tried to keep my distance, knowing very well that this is just an illusion” I sighed “But when he told me the only reason he didn’t accept Sharon’s request to have him sing at the Christmas party was that he didn’t want to step in dad’s place” my voice cracked a little from the sobs that were trying to gush out of my throat “He wants to protect dad’s memory, Damian. He doesn’t want to sing, do something that he loves so much, because entertaining the guests at the annual Christmas parties was always something our fathers did together”

“He’s a good person” Damian smiled at me softly, taking my hand in his “And so you are. You’ve been through some bad shit, and you had to deal with the affect of the break up alone. You shut us out, but that’s who you are. You’re independent and strong, you’ve always been like that since you were only a toddler. Stubborn as hell too. But you have to face the fact, no matter how successful you are in your job, or how strong you think you are, you need someone at the end of the day”

He was right. I knew it. I just needed a little more time to have my brain accept what my mind already knew. I was tired of fighting on my own. All the money and success in the world meant nothing if I had nobody to share it with. I craved for love. I desperately wanted to feel something again, apart from the constant numb feeling. I wanted the cruel truth and the passionate love confessions. I was tired of hearing those empty promises and cliche compliments. I wanted something real. I wanted someone who could rock my world and bring me back to life. I wished for someone who could lead me back to my own self. My real self. I wanted to be the woman who I was, before the world told me who I should be. I missed my own self, the one who found happiness and beauty in everything. Who didn’t need to spend twelve hours at work so her brain could get tired enough to not think about anything and just shut out the second her head hits the pillow. That’s what I wanted. And I hated to know that I knew where the antidote to my suffering was, but I was too damn proud and scared at the same time to admit it to myself and do something for my own fucking happiness. It was right in front of me, but just because I thought of him as my antidote, it didn't mean I wasn’t his poison.

“Dame, I appreciate your kind words, and they really mean a lot to me” I smiled at him “But I think we both know I can’t continue this ridiculous game with him. Neither of us deserve the pain” I looked at my ring. I felt like a was stabbed in the chest several times with a blunt knife so it could hurt even more. I still remembered his words when he gave it to me. It was his promise to never let me go. He said he would always be there for me, no matter what. He swore that he would fight for our love because he couldn’t believe that he could ever love someone as much as he loved me. And he was sure he would never find someone who could love him like I did. But still, he let me go. He let me move away, and never tried to make me stay. It took me two whole years to realise why he never did. He never wanted to stand between me and my dreams, like I never wanted to force him to move to somewhere he didn’t want to.

“Than maybe you should finally get your closure” he sighed giving “You guys never had that. The whole relationship just ended, and then you were off to London, not coming back for years. I know it was hard, but we all missed you. You’re still our little sister, no matter what” I kept my eyes on the ring. Closure. Maybe. I never told him how I was really feeling when I had to make that decision. I shut him out, never let him see what was really going on my mind. He deserved to know the whole truth. I left him with half words and empty reasons. We were still hanging on, but we deserved to finally be able to move on with our lives and start a new book. I opened my mouth to say something, but the voice of the twins interrupted us.

***

Ashton was the cutest baby with his hands in his cake and then putting the icing all over his little face. It made the whole family laugh, and his mother furious that she had to change his clothes. Again. Everyone was having the time of their lives, giving most of their attention to the little two years old, chatting with each other, enjoying my mother’s amazing dishes and sipping on the fine wines that Elliot chose very carefully. Only the best for his family. But there was my shadow, hanging onto me from the second Tom arrived. Of course he was invited, my family adored him. And he was there for them, when I was hiding from life itself. Plus, Ashton and him had a special connection since the day he was born. Truth us, Tom was a natural with kids. They adored him and he always had no problem with understanding what they needed, even when they couldn’t talk just. I kept taking secret little glances at him, or fully looking at him when he was too occupied with playing with my nieces. It hurt like hell when he refused to even just look at me. He said a quiet hello when he arrived and quickly went to find the birthday boy. At lunch, he was supposed to sit next to me, but he came up with a weak excuse why he should sit between the twins instead and moved to the other end of the dining table. It was enough for me to lose that small appetite that I had left, and I only played with the food on my plate. I knew I had no right to feel like the way I was feelings, because I caused it to myself, but still. I tiny part of me hoped we could at least pretend we were friends. I didn’t expect him to act like everything was okay, but I thought we could talk a little about everything that was being going on with us.

I tried to drown my sorrow with all the wine I could found in the kitchen, and refilled my glass in every ten minutes. It helped me to numb my head a little, but my heart still wanted to burst into flames when I occasionally found Tom looking at me for a bare second. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feelings. He completely shut me out, not giving me the slightest of chance to read him.

“Hey, what’s with the cold shoulder?” Gabby grabbed my hand when I was trying to escape from the kitchen with another full glass of wine. I was more than tipsy, and she was seeing it too. She had been eyeing me all afternoon, trying to figure out what was going on and why we weren’t talking with Tom.

“Haven’t you heard?” I smiled at her sweetly “I’m the words biggest bitch with a heart made of solid ice” I shrugged and took a huge sip of wine “Don’t worry. I can handle this. It’s not like I’m still in love with him and ruin my last chance to be with him just because I thought playing cool and tough could actually bring me forward in life”

“Oh, honey” she sighed and squeezed my hand a little “I’m sure that you and…”

“Gabby, no” I shook my head “I really don’t feel like talking about this whole thing again. Damian already talked to me, but right now, I just want to drink and survive this day somehow” I said, and with that, I left her there. I didn’t mean to be rude, she didn’t deserve it. Gabby was only trying to help, but I was emotionally damaged, and I was very close to be drunk, so my brain shut down every single rational receptor in my body. I was like snow. It was good to look at me with my fake smile and pretended cheerfulness, but you knew if you touched me and held for too long, I could cause serious damage.

“Auntie Y/N” Shelby came up to me and sat on my lap “Do you want to play a board game with Uncle Tom and us? You two could be a team, Holly and I the other” I almost choked on my own saliva, when she suggested me to go and play with them. My brain already went on full mode trying to come up with an appropriate explanation why Uncle Tom and Aunt Y/N wouldn’t be a too good team, because their beloved auntie just shattered Tom’s heart and trust into a million tiny pieces just yesterday, and not he couldn’t even look at her anymore without despise in his beautiful eyes.

“I think I’ll pass” I kissed her head and looked at Holly “Why don’t you ask Auntie Gabby? I think she and Uncle Damian would be happy to join you guys” I smiled at her and tucked her blonde hair behind her ear. Shelby jumped up from my lap with a disappointed sigh and went to find my brother and his girlfriend. I saw Tom leaving from the corner of my eyes. My gaze followed him, desperately trying to read something out of his body language, but I couldn’t. He was either too good at hiding what he was really feeling, or I was way too tipsy to understand the things that were happening around me. With a deep breathe, I grabbed the bottle from the coffee table and refilled my glass again, when my mum approached me and put her hand on mine. With concern in her eyes, she took away the bottle and placed it back to the table.

“I think you had enough wine for today” she whispered “You’ve been almost all day. I don’t know why you feel the need to be drunk, but don’t forget it’s your nephew’s birthday party, and not some night out with your friends” it wasn’t scolding. Her voice was filled with concern and worry. She was a mother after all. No matter what happened, how many fights we had when I was younger, how broken she was when I moved away, and how many times I told her to stay out of my life, she still loved me and wanted the best for me. My mum was a saint in my eyes, one of the most generous and strongest women I had ever met in my entire life. But I couldn’t show it properly.

“Sorry” I sighed and looked away. I was ashamed that the only way I could survive this day was being drunk. But I didn’t want to deal with any on these things right there and then. I thought if I drank enough, I could forget about the last couple of days and just ignore the knot in my stomach and the butterflies dancing when Tom was in the same room with me. It was impossible. The alcohol wasn’t on my side and brought back even older memories and feelings. My mind was asking me the same thing over and over again. Did I really want to hurt him so he could hate me? Was he feelings the same? Were these feelings flooding both ways? Was I the only one out of the two of us who wanted to crawl back to the other? I had enough. I had do something because I felt like everything, all the feelings I was experiencing were building up inside and killing me slowly.

“Excuse me” I said to mum and went to the kitchen, hoping that I could find Tom there. For my luck, he was there. Holding a glass of whiskey in his hand, looking out of the window. He was too deep in his thoughts, he didn’t even realise when I stepped into the kitchen. I watched his shoulders rising and shrinking with every breathe he took. I wanted to go up to him and wrap my hands around his body, telling him how I really felt and how sorry I was for hurting him. I closed my eyes and drank the remaining of my wine. I walked up to him and placed my glass in the sink. He didn’t say anything, but I could feel his eyes burning the side of my cheek. We were standing so close to each other, I could feel the heat radiating from his body, but the atmosphere between us was ice cold. We were battling with our own selves, and neither of us seemed to be the winning party in this war.

“Can we talk, please?” I asked him, my voice was only a little bit more than a whisper and touched his hand softly that was resting on the sink in front of him. The moment my skin touched his, electricity ran through my whole body, kicking my in right in the stomach. I felt like I was about to throw up in any second, and it was hard to tell if it was because of the wine or because I was nervous to talk to him. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say to him. I didn’t even know if I wanted to really talk to him or just wanted to hear his voice.

“Sure” Tom’s voice was colder than ice and it cut like the sharpest knife. I nodded and asked him to follow me. Without thinking where I was going or where I wanted to go, my legs took me to the stables. A safe place. How ironic. This is where everything started so many years ago.

***

We were standing in front of each other, neither of us knowing what we should say. Actually, I was the one who asked him to talk, and now, I was the one who couldn’t even breathe properly. His eyes kept ignoring me, and I was trying my hardest to catch them and keep eye contact with him. Tom’s eyes were fixed on Lighting behind me, and his folded his arms in front of his chest. He really was closing me out.

“So?” He finally asked, after long and painful minutes spent in complete silence. He was getting impatient and it was evident he wasn’t comfortable in our situation. I wasn’t either, but I knew we finally had to act like real grown up and face our feelings. And in my case, face the consequences of my past actions “You wanted to talk, so talk”

“I want you to know why I did what I did” I finally said and sat down on a straw heap “When I broke up with you, it wasn’t because I didn’t love you anymore” I sighed “Quite the opposite. I loved you more than anything else, but we were facing a very hard decision, and I knew I couldn’t ask you to leave everything behind and move to London with me, when I knew very well you wanted to stay in Epsom” Tom was finally looking at me, but he still didn’t show any emotion “I’ve never stopped loving you, and if I want to be honest with you and with myself too, I think I’ll never be able to stop loving you”

“So that was your way showing how much you loved me?” His voice filled with pain and despite. I couldn’t blame him. I deserved it “Funny way”

“No” I shook my head and stood up so I could face him “I loved you too much to destroy you and your dreams, Tom. So instead of making our live miserably by forcing you into a long distance relationship, I chose to break both of our hearts. I had to hurt you so you could hate me and move on easily”

“And you think it was better to make this decision on your own, instead of sitting down with me and going through our options?” Tom literally spat the words. He was finally showing emotions. I didn’t care if it was hate, he was cracking “Do you know how fucking hard it was? Hearing about you from your family, pretending that I was actually happy for you when in reality, I wanted nothing more than to pack my stuff and find you so we could be together again?” His eyes were filled with tears, just like mine “It took me almost two fucking years to feel okay. Not good, just okay. All those months that I spent thinking where we went wrong. Trying to figure out why didn’t you want to fight for what we had”

“Don’t act like it wasn’t painful for me too” I shook my head at him “Losing you wasn’t just painful, Tom, it was fucking damaging too. It wasn’t me siting down on a soda surrounded by my friends as we watched movies and ate food to try and forget you” I wiped away my tears “It was me staying up at four in the morning, because the thought of you was so fucking strong I couldn’t even close my eyes without seeing your face. It was me swallowing thickly and blinking back tears every time I was in public, the whole in my chest causing my breaths to come out shaky rather than normal” my whole body was shaking and I wanted nothing more than to break down in sobs, letting everything out of my system finally “It was me laughing at things for no reason as my stomach turned, because the urge to falling apart was getting stronger. It was me crying at random hours during the day and me not wanting to get out of bed…It was me deleting our conversations and regretting it, because I felt like I was erasing you out of my life. It fucking hurt, losing you had hurt and I wasn’t ever able to forget that kind of pain” 

We were standing face to face, faces so close, our noses almost touched. We radiated anger, hurt, despise, desire, lust and love. The tension between us was slowly suffocating us, and I could tell by the way his pupils turned his icy blue eyes almost black, that he wanted the same thing as me. But there was still that wall that stopped us. We built it back up, and now, that we were both safe behind our owns, we were too afraid to tear down them again and put our still recovering soul and heart out there.

“I just wanted closure from you” Tom breathed “I wanted to hear the reason why you left me like I never meant anything to you. I wanted answers, anything to easy my mind and my heart” he bite his trembling bottom lip “It took me years to realise, no matter what you said or did, it would be pointless, because I would never believe your explanation anyway”

I was trying to find the right words in my mind, but I couldn’t think straight anymore. Not with the wine in me and him so close to me I could feel his cologne. I felt the salty tears running down my face, my body shaking from my sobs. I was a wreck. We weren’t those the two twenty-one years old young adults, facing each other and facing life. We were almost thirty, still holding onto our past, because we both were afraid to actually let each other go, fearing with that, we’d lose each other completely and everything we used to have would fade away. But we were already losing each other, because we kept our real feelings to ourselves, being too stubborn to say anything. We were confused, but we knew we had to get out while it wasn’t too late.

“So I think this is our closure” Tom sighed and turned around. I watched as he took a couple of steps, getting closer to the entrance of the stables and I knew I had to act. I couldn’t just let him walk away like that. So I called out his name and hurried after him to grab his hand and pull him back. He was perfect in every single way, and I hated myself for damaging his beautiful soul and heart. And I knew I was selfish as hell, but I had to. I needed to breathe him in and feel alive in his touch for one last time. Without hesitation, I grabbed his face and stood on my toes to have a better access to his lips. The world stopped spinning when our lips finally touched again. It felt like I finally arrived home from years of wandering in the big world, searching for something that my soul was craving for, not knowing it had been right in front of me the whole time. It felt right, being there in his arms, relaxing under his touch and melting into his lips moving in perfect sync with mine. I felt the saltiness of his tear, mixing with mine, and it made me held onto him even stronger.Tom’s arms sneaked around my body, pulling me so close it felt like our bodies were becoming one, just like our souls did when we first fell in love with each other. We were holding onto our world, trying to make the kiss as long as we could, because we both knew, the moment our lips disconnect, it’s the end for us. I gave everything into that kiss. All my love, all my pain, all my regret and all my wishes. I wanted Tom to feel what I was feeling, and understand what I couldn’t tell with words. And he did. He understood every single breathe, and answered back with kisses.

“No, Tom” I breathed when we couldn’t keep kissing each other anymore without breaking up for a split second to take a deep breathe “This was our closure.”


	11. He

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys. Sorry for being inactive lately. I was a bit busy with work and uni. But I'm back and I'll try my best to update as much as I can! :)

People make mistakes. That’s what we do. It’s in our nature, and no matter how hard we try, it’s impossible to act right every time. Our feelings take control over our actions, and we soon find ourself in difficult situations. We cope with pain and heartbreak differently. We want to get rid of it, we just want to feel free, fine and numb. We choose the wrong path to deal with what brings us down, and sometimes we use other people to help us ease the emptiness in our chest and the screaming thoughts in our mind. Coping mechanism. Such a funny thing to think about. Is it really a coping mechanism, that helps to feel better about yourself, when you just think about yourself as an even bigger twat?

I felt terrible, when I woke up this morning. My headache reminded me that I wasn’t a teenager anymore and my system just couldn’t take the alcohol as it used to. My throat was sore and the terrible aftertaste of cigarettes lingered in my mouth, with the taste of whiskey and vodka. My heart shrunk when I saw the pretty girl sleeping next to me peacefully, a small smile playing on her lips. Chloe was tangled in her silk sheets. I looked around the room, clothes everywhere and an empty bottle of vodka on the night stand. I remember calling her after what happened in the stables, asking if she was free and wanted to meet with me. I could hardly finish my sentence when she excitedly said yes and told me to meet her at her place. I desperately wanted to forget.

The taste of alcohol, the smoke of my cigarettes and the kisses of Chloe weren’t enough to take my mind off of Y/N and wash away the taste of her kiss. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her broken face as she said her final goodbye without actually saying anything at all. We both wanted closure. We thought if we finally gave in to that kiss, it would give us the satisfaction and we could finally end the misery. But why did I feel like it wasn’t a closure? That kiss didn’t feel like an honest goodbye, it didn’t heal my wounds, but it did ease my pain. I felt free and happy, finally having her in my arms again and holding her like I used to. Feelings her body pressed against mine as our lips moved in perfect unison. The kiss, that kiss opened something in me. It wasn’t the chamber of old memories with her, nor simple list. It was much stronger than that. It somehow felt wrong and right at the same time, like it was meant to happen.

***

“You did what?” Derek’s voice was high pitched, almost sounded like a girl. He looked at me with wide eyes and it was easy to tell what he was thinking. We were on our way to check that new place that we rented for the high school reunion party, and I thought if he was driving, he would be too focused on the road to actually listen to what I was saying. I was wrong. The second those words left my mouth, he stepped on the break and turned to me. I cursed at him, being scared for my life, but luckily no other car was on the road “You guys kissed?”

“She kissed me” I tried to make my situation better, but it was superfluous. It was what it was. Y/N might have been the one who kissed me, but I sure didn’t protest at all. I could still feel the softness of her lips and the saltiness of her tears streaming down her blushed cheeks. It was a bittersweet kiss. I imagined our second first kiss so many times, even dreamed about having her in my arms again, and pampering her beautiful face with soft kisses and beautiful words, but it was so different. It was heated, passionate, full of regret, lust and hope. I never wanted to break that kiss, because I knew if I did, it would be the end of our story and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let it all go.

“Yeah, because you’re such a gentleman, and stopped her, right?” He asked sarcastically and rolled his eyes at me “Tom, two days ago, you took home that chick from the bar, saying that you were over Y/N and wanted to move one and I picked you up from the same girl’s place this morning” he stepped on the gas pedal and the car moved with us in it “But now, you’re telling me that you kissed her”

“Well, yeah” I looked out of the window “Cause that’s what happened. End of story”

“Is it really the end?” Neither of us looked at each other. I kept my eyes focused on the hills and get lost in my own thoughts. Her taste hunted me. Every time I closed my eyes, the image of her grabbing my shirt and pulling me in for a kiss replayed itself. It was so vivid, I could still recall every touch, every breathe we took. I still heard her soft whisper, calling out my name and holding me closer “You should really get over her”

“But what if I never get over her?” I snapped at Derek even though I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t angry at him, but myself for being too weak. That night with Chloe after the bar was the worst. She was a very pretty lady, but she wasn’t who I was looking for. Her kiss was too sloppy, her touch was too wilful, and every time I looked at her, I imagined another woman being there and tangled with me in the sheets. I felt bad for her. I left almost immediately, hardly waiting for her to put her number in my phone. I needed to be out of her flat as soon as possible. I was too drunk and too heartbroken to think about the potentials she was holding. I thought it was going to get better. I hoped that after the kiss, it would be just history. A beautiful and perfect love story that I can tell my kids one day. But my feelings were still there, and my hopeless heart still burnt for Y/N “What if I continue to wake up every day of my fucking life and want her so badly that my bone shake so much that they feel they’re going to break?” I took of my beanie and ran my fingers through my hair. I was fucked up “What if I keep waiting for a call or a text or a sign that never comes? What if she is the one, Derek?”

“As much as it hurts” he looked at me from the corner of his eyes “If you really want them to be happy, sometimes the absolute best thing you could do for them is to leave them alone. Even if it break you” he stopped at a stop sign and turned his face to me “That’s what she did” Derek pulled over and stopped the car. I looked at him questioningly, and frowned at the sight of him looking guilty “I need to tell you something”

“Okay?” I watched him trying to found the right words. Derek was only nervous when he had to admit he was wrong or did something bad, so of course I got a little nervous, when he kept opening and closing his mouth “Just say it, dude”

“Y/N” he sighed “She called me two years later, after you broke up. She told me she couldn’t do it anymore, she couldn’t be without you. She asked a lot of things about you and how you were handling the break up. She wanted to know if you two still had a chance”

I was speechless. I never knew about this. Neither Derek, nor Daisy mentioned it to me. All this time I lived with the thought of her not wanting me anymore and being happy without me. I woke up with with her on my mind, and went to bed thinking about having her by my side again. I broke my own heart every day for years, reminding myself that Y/N had a life in London, that she was living her dreams and probably fell in love with someone.

“And I told her that you were fine” I wanted to punch him in the face “She wanted to come back and talk to you, but I asked her not to. You were seeing Jade back then, just started dating again, and you actually seemed fine. I thought if I let her come back, it would have damaged both of you even more”

“You had no right” I almost yelled, but reminded myself to stay calm and think rationally. My whole body was burning in rage and I really wanted to smash his head to the steering wheel. He knew how I was feeling. I told him several times that dating those girls were only my weak attempts to get over her and somehow ease my heartache “You know it was not your place to decide about her returning. Maybe, if she did, we wouldn’t be in this situation now”

“Do you think she would have stayed?” He looked at me “Tom, Y/N’s dreams were always too big for Epsom. You know too, that she would have left again, and you would have been back to your dark days”

“She still loved me” I argued “She wanted to come back and talk, but you said I was over her and dated another girl” I couldn’t believe him. I wanted to stay calm, I really did, but thinking about what could have happened, how our story could have a happy ending really angered me “Y/N and I, we could have come up with a solution”

“Of course she still loved you, she still does” he shook his head “You just don’t forget the first person you ever loved truly. Deep down, both of you will hang on that love. It’s gonna be the love you compare the others. You’ll never find someone like her again, but you’ll search for pieces of Y/N in other women. And she’ll do the exact same thing. Because that’s how it is, Tom. You don’t just let go of a great love. It might have shattered the both of you, but you learnt everything you know now from that relationship. You grew up with her, she made you the man you are, and you made her the woman that she is.”

Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you, because that’s the only person who will ever receive all of you. After that, you learn better, but most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved. A piece no future loved could ever get, no matter what. The piece hold innocence, the belief that love really can last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you’ll never forget, and that night under the starts you can never get back. It holds youth and everything you thought love would be, everything that was proven wrong. And I wanted another piece. Not the innocent and naiv one. I wanted the grown up piece. The one, that is complete, but you want to share it with someone.

“We’re gonna be late” I said, referring to Derek to start driving again. I was done with the conversation, I didn’t want to speak with him for a while. I had to calm down and think about the thinks he had said to me. I was angry at him, at Y/N and even myself for listening to everyone but myself, when my guts told me to call her, to reach out to her and try to solve everything “We need to make sure the decoration has arrived and everything is there, so we can start the reunion in time”

Derek kept his mouth shut, and for once, I was glad he did. I needed to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. Going through everything that happened in the last couple of days. My life was fucked up, and the bandage was ripped off. I stared at the empty road ahead of us, focusing on the passing dividing lines.

“Strange, isn’t it?” I asked out of blue.

“What?” Derek’s voice was careful, he wasn’t sure if I really wanted to talk or not. He pulled up to a parking spot and stopped the car.

“How you can be desperately in love with someone, even when you haven’t spoken to or even seen them for years. I think it’s incredible how despite the distance between two people, you’ll never stop loving them. That’s just how love works I suppose, you either love them forever or you never loved them to begin with” I unbuckled my seat belt and get out of the car “Love doesn’t leave, just because the person does”

And it was true. Just because Y/N decided to leave everything behind and start a new life in a new city, far from everything that used to mean everything to her, it doesn’t mean my feelings left with her. My heart did. She took it with her and still had it. I had nothing to offer, because I knew I couldn’t love someone if I had no heart. A small piece of me believe I had her heart too.

***

The place we chose was perfect for a small reunion for only sixty people. Not too big, to feel like people were getting lost in the room, but neither too small to not be able to move without bumping into someone. Originally, I was supposed so check out the place with Y/N, but considering our current situation, it was better to not. I missed her a little. She had a real talent for organising events, and she always knew what to ask or say when meeting with the owners of a place or with the suppliers. Derek and I were good at out own professions, but had to think really hard to not mess up everything.

I was checking out the boxes, that were delivered this morning. Daisy and Y/N collected a few pictures and yearbooks from high school, and made amazing decorations from them. I picked up a few, and smiled at the photographs of my old classmates. Most of them moved away, some of them even went to abroad to study, and decided to settle there. Some still lived in Epsom, either with their parents or with their partner. There were only a few of us, who were still unmarried and childless. I didn’t feel like I was behind with any of it. I loved my life, and when it came to settling down, getting married and having children, I wanted to make sure I chose the one who I would spend the rest of my life with. I didn’t want to settle less. I wondered how Y/N felt about this. We talked about our future a lot back in the days, when we were still together and thought we would be end game. She wanted a big house, near the sea and a lot of kids. Both of us grew up in big and noisy families, so it was evident we wanted the same. I couldn’t wait to have kids and teach them how to play the guitar or how to ride a skateboard. I wanted to be the cliche daddy, who would be overjoyed and a tiny bit overemotional when it came to his kids’ successes in life. She would have been the perfect mother. She was the right amount of strict and indulgent. The kids would have been lucky to have a badass mom like her. And I was sure the man who she was going to marry would be the luckiest man alive. I just wished I could be that man.

But sometimes life wasn’t in our favour. There were times, when mistakes were made, and people broke. Love vanished and the empty feeling was all that left. And maybe it was supposed to be like that. You had to be broken, so you could found someone who was willing to pick up your broken pieces and glue them together. You wouldn’t be the same anymore, but for them, you were brand new. They knew the new version of you, not who you once were before your whole world fell apart. Heartbreak was a part of life. Without it, most people wouldn’t have been able to find themselves. Derek was once broken too. And he pushed his pride aside, and let Daisy to bring light to his life again. They were happy and in love. They had everything they wanted. Love, faith, friendship, marriage and an adorable son. It was possible to love again. For me too.

“Hey, I need to call someone, but I’ll be back in a minute” I patted Derek on the back. That pat was more of a sign that all was good, and I wasn’t mad at him. I knew why he did what he did. He saw me sobbing and holding onto a bottle of cheap vodka for dear life, just to numb the pain in my chest and fill the whole that she left behind. He hold me while I threw up from too much alcohol and weed, and listened to me how I said I hated her over and over again. And he was there when I showed him the ring I got for her. A ring, that I still had, hidden in the depth of my drawer. I never had the chance to give it to her. I couldn’t throw it away. That small piece of jewellery was Y/N, in the form of a ring. It was customised, just how I imagined it. I wanted it to be perfect and unique, just like she was. I wanted to play with it, while we layed on our sofa, reading a book together. I wanted her to pass that ring to our son, when he was ready to take the next step in his relationship and propose to his partner. I wanted it to be a family heritage. That’s how much I loved her. But it was the past.

I lit a cigarette and went through the contacts in my phone, until I reached the name I was looking for. I hesitated for a few moments, not being entirely sure if I was about to do the right thing or not. I had to move on. And I was the one who had to take the first step, because it was my life after all. I pressed on the screen and with shaky hands, and pulled my mobile to my ear. I blew out the smoke and watched how it faded away.

“Tom?” Her voice a little bit surprised, but I could her the smile she was probably wearing on her lips. She probably didn’t except me calling her after everything that happened between us, and how I reacted. But here I was, trying to found the right words to say, and silently convincing myself that it was the right thing.

“Hi, sorry, I hope I’m not disturbing you. I just have a quick question” I said quickly, before I could change my mind. My heart was racing and I was so close to just end the call and throw my phone away “Would you like to go on a date with me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo here we go. Let me know what you think about this chapter or story in general. Also, Tom is finally doing something to get his happiness back...or not? xx


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